Genie: I grant you three wishes.
Bob: I want to be rich.
Genie: Granted.
Rich: I want a lot of money.
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For what I lack in imagination, I more than make up for in something else.
Weddings are dumb. Except yours. Yours was a great way to spend money.
I “accidentally” made a double batch of cookie dough and then somehow ran out of room in the freezer so I was forced to bake it all at which point I discovered that I have no available Tupperware so I had to eat 50 cookies.
Went inside my dresser hoping to find Narnia but all I saw was that stupid guy I killed
Praying for someone else’s sins is the ultimate “I’d like to speak to the manager”
Men look so amazing for people who use the same product for their teeth, hair, floor and car washing.
barista: do you just want the 2 cookies and one brownie
me: thank you for the word ‘just’
All I’m saying is you’ll never find cheese in a recipe for disaster.
If you send me a work memo on the weekend I respond with Linkin Park lyrics.
The prince in Cinderella wasted 0 time suggesting he inspect the feet of every woman in his kingdom
I had two naps today but every time I wake up I’m still at work.
Imagine being 5 minutes from the end of the longest movie ever & it starts over because it forgot something. That’s my kid telling a story.
Cleanliness is next to Godliness because this is a small library.
send me a picture of a beloved item in your home
please include your address if the item is expensive and easy to carry
But that’s my emotional support bin of clothes that are too small for me now.
Another couple invited my husband and me to do a triathlon and it’s way worse than we thought. Apparently “doing a triathlon together” is code for “doing a triathlon together.”
I feel like a taco salad is the worst way to eat a taco, and yet, the best way to eat a salad.
chatgpt is an answer to the “older cousin deficit” we didn’t know we had. we need someone to tell us, with utmost confidence, that cockroaches can live for 3 years without a head, that smoking peanut shells gets you high, the *truth* about how katanas are made, with no sources.
The Wife: What are you doing?
Me: Dressing for the job I want…
The Wife: PUT YOUR CLOTHES ON.
Her: Hey, what does this dress say to you?
*Whirls Around*
Me: I’m not in the mood to listen to your clothes right now, I’m drinking!!
Seductively takes 378 bobby pins out of my hair
Walk into karate dojo. Bow. Assume made up karate stance. Taser the first guy who runs at you. Bow. Exit karate dojo
[Sporting goods store]
Me: *buying skis* No need for a bag my good man. I’ll be wearing them out
Instead of saying “I lost 35 pounds”,
say, “I lost half a super-model”
what sorcery is this, the iron wasnt workin, so I took it apart put it together again got left with extra parts and screws but its working??
I accidentally replied “worries” instead of no worries and it was the first honest email I’ve ever sent.
Sneezing is a really good way of working out exactly how full your bladder is
My 5yo made me a zombie card with – what I am told are – a line of zombie GRAVES at the bottom.
GRAVES.
Me: Loving this juice cleanse.
Wife: That’s sangria.