Her: The next person that tells me to smile is not gonna know what hit them.
Wedding Photographer: and if you could all look at the camera…
You Might Also Like
A taco bell would actually crack almost immediately so that’s a stupid name
At the zoo, you have to drag me away from the otter pool. The promise of a soft pretzel usually does it.
It’s ok, gas station bathroom motion sensor lights, I forgot I was here too.
I just know I will die trying to pet something I shouldn’t.
[inserting row in excel]
Excel: copy font format from the row above?
Me: no I’ll handle it
Excel: and copy border from below?
Me: no why?
Excel: idk :/
Me: *typing number* w-why did you make 31,320 a date?
Excel: it’s my birthday 🙂
Whoever is responsible for “tear here” that doesn’t work, I will find you.
Hot singles in your area are eating chili.
[Pulls away from kissing]
So you do want me to interview for the cat juggling job?
The expression “you catch more bees with honey” also could imply that you may get stung by said bees.
Dungeons and Dragons is popular because it appeals to the human fantasy of having a group of friends who can come over at a regular time
When I was a kid I remember passing a sign that said “littering 300 fine”
I read that as it was ok to litter after 3 o’clock
winter should be a week maybe two. ride the high of the holidays and go out with a bang— this whole overstaying its welcome thing is a bad look
Got banned for life from McDonald’s for asking the cashier if the Filet-O-Fish was made of Mc-Erel
“Interested in mail enhancement?”
Me: u mean ‘male’ enhancement
“No. [whispering] what if I told u I could get ur mail like so fast bro”
Girl at restaurant: Hey, I like your shoes.
Me: Thanks! I’ll tell my feet.
[Smooth, Brian. Well done!]
You better take care of me Lord, if you don’t you’re gonna have me on your hands.
LIFE HACK: Make your waist feel dramatically smaller by accidentally trying on maternity pants.
Why is Halloween considered the scariest time of the year? Most weddings happen in June.
a lot of ppl don’t kno that the 50 stars on the american flag represent how many stars there are in the sky
Maybe Jesus doesn’t want lettuce to adore Him.
Live, laugh, wake up in an icebath missing a kidney
Rented a Bowflex machine because it was the path of leased resistance.
THERAPIST: you’re running from something. what do u think it might be?
[goose outside the window does throat-slitting motion]
ME: uh—failure
hey sorry I missed your text, I am processing a non-stop 24/7 onslaught of information with a brain designed to eat berries in a cave.
Those orcas won’t leave my driveway.
whoa whoa whoa we both like to laugh?!
*pretends hand is a telephone*
“Hello, Las Vegas? One marriage, please!”
SON: The car’s manual suggests not to turn the stereo up all the way.
DAD: Guess you could say-
SON: NO DON’T-
DAD: -that’s sound advice.
Me: I can’t sleep
My cat: lol what if I walked all over you right now
Caught a belt loop on a door handle and got yanked back with such force that my audio is no longer in sync with my actions.
The Bible says homosexuality is wrong. I forget the chapter. It’s somewhere between the talking snake and the virgin birth.