If your wife tells you “We’d be terrible partners on The Amazing Race” it’s a term of affection, right?
You Might Also Like
“You see those footprints? It looks like our killer had feet.”
– If you want to know why I was fired as a writer on CSI.
There’s an age where being drunk becomes pathetic but if you hang in there somewhere around 70 it becomes cool again.
[park]
STRANGER: Your dog is unusual lookingME: Yeah, he’s interbred
DUCK: [waddles up] I’ll tell you who else is into bread
Probably the best way to keep a lion from attacking is to talk trash about hyenas.
Parents *before their kids performance*: Here, snort these four lines of organic sugar
Scientists please just tell us when the world is gonna end so I can stop working out
TEXT FROM WIFE: I bought some plant based cheese
ME: Treese
HER: I hate you
If you see a glass as half empty, pour it into a smaller glass.
me pausing my music to see if the siren is in the song or its outside
An app..
An app that reminds you, no matter how ugly you are.. someone far far away wants to bang you.
-Twitters new slogan
Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Give Jesus a fish, and you and your family will eat nothing but that one fish for a lifetime.
I love surprising my girl, today she woke up single!!
GIRL: what’s your sign
ME: [silently pointing up to the glowing Arbys logo in the distance]
Me: *buying a pair of socks and a pack of gum*
Kohl’s cashier: You saved $439 today.
Arm falls off
Wife: You don’t drink enough water.
Just saw an eagle swoop down and pick up a baby bunny, so cute when animals are friends!
An absolute travesty that in this day and age we don’t have an app for tracking ice cream men.
(trying to climb out of bean bag chair) you’re breaking up with me?
“It’s not you, it’s me.” – Humidity, to Heat
Ugh, my stomach is killing me. I wonder if eating this chocolate cross left over from Easter will help?
me, sober: ugh, i’m never leaving my house again, people are trash.
me, after 3 beers: *on a megaphone* ATTENTION EVERYONE IN MY NEIGHBORHOOD I WOULD LIKE TO PAY YOUR ELECTRICITY BILL THIS MONTH
Passwords:
Outlook- work1234
Aol- kidsnames
home alarm- anniversary
Twitter- supercalifragilist{middlename}espialido{graduationyear}cious
She just offered me a “1/4 caffeinated coffee.”
I told her I’d have eight, please.
Yesterday, I build a closet. Today, I’m making jam. Tomorrow, I’m ending inequality. Jk, I’m reenacting Connan the barbarian with sock puppets
Gf: We’re gonna be late for our dinner reservation
Me: Hang on, I’m right at the end of my book
Gf: FFS he’s there, behind that tree
Me: Waldo you rascal!
“asparagai” is what i call multiple asparagus, but don’t take my word for it. get your own word for multiple asparagus
[first date]
ME: That’s a pretty name.
CASSIE: Thank you!
ME: Is it short for Casserole?
[Picasso’s Blue Period]
Picasso: holy shit, call a gynecologist
WIFE: Do something productive today
ME: I will
[later]
WIFE: What the-?
[dog zooms by in the car]
ME: I taught him how to drive, Karen