Husband: *bleeding* CALL 911!
Me: I would, but *shows both hands caught in Pringles cans*
Husband: WELL, RUN FOR HELP!
Me: *shows both feet caught in Pringles cans*
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My daughters took turns tracing each other over and over with chalk.
Now it looks like 25 children were murdered in my driveway.
ME: [grinding pepper onto my food]
IRON MAN: WHAT HAVE YOU DONE
Ghostbusters commercial: who you gonna call?
Ghost haunting me: [looks at me nervously]
Me: lmao like you’re scarier than a phone call
Rigged my kids’ Magic 8 Ball to say these choices:
-No
-No way
-Still no
-Yes! JK absolutely not
-Go ask your father
Dumbo sounds like a good idea until you think about how much poop a flying elephant would drop
[filing for legal name change]
Judge: and what’s the reason for the request?
Me: I was owned pretty badly on line
Judge: *removes glasses and squints* oh my god are you the guy that thought bears were fat dogs
If there’s one thing that makes me want to throw up, it’s a dartboard on the ceiling.
Catholic mass is just Catholic force divided by Catholic acceleration
The words, “Relax mom, it’s only glitter” is the biggest contradiction a mom can hear.
Me: *gets comfortable*
Life: Just one more thing …
Twilight is the literary World War I: you thought this was as bad as it could get, but then WWII/Fifty Shades happened.
[leaving for vacation]
Me: Do we have everything?
Kids: Yes!
Me: Let’s go!
[5 min up road]
Son: Dad, where’s mommy?
Me: *makes u-turn*
Spilled a can of drink over a nun, and now she’s got a Coke habit.
Date: so what’s your love language?
Me: English. I wouldn’t say I love it but I knows it
just found out the danish word for jellyfish is literally water man and am cracking up at the idea that while other languages were naming them after medusa or whatever some danish dude was like “nah that’s a water guy”
I prefer to watch like nobody is dancing
NEW! “How to Act” DVD by Kristen Stewart!
In love:
😐
Uncertain:
😐
Just married:
😐
Pregnant:
😐
Dead:
😐
Only $139.95! Act now!
Jesus: Let he who is without sin cast the first stone
Skeletor: *throws stone*
Jesus: HEY!
Skeletor: I’m sorry. Did you say “skin” or “sin?” I don’t have ears.
My dog: WHY ARE YOU ALL STILL HOME
Overheard a couple arguing at the grocery store. At one point, guy says to his GF “you need to relax!”
And I now know how fast I can get from the frozen food section to the parking lot.
I’m wearing a tuxedo to work today in protest of casual Friday.
Peanut butter
You’re almost as good as chocolate
Which is almost as good as cheese
Which is tied with vodka-Poem about the food pyramid
I was best man at my friend’s 2nd wedding. I started my speech with “welcome back everyone” he was not happy #weddingfail
Sorry, I can’t be around you today.
The temptation to smack you in the face is just too great.
Me: Strengths? I never vomit when I’m nervous. *vomits*
HR guy: Umm…you sure about that?
Me: Oh yeah, yeah. I’m just super drunk right now
Finally found a use for one of my old bridesmaid dresses. I feel like the prettiest girl in Home Depot.
Damn even I didn’t expect him to lift up the pizza lol
judge: how can this be your defense?
me: how was I to know he wasn’t cake?
He entered the gym: eye patch on, peg leg in; he’d made his costume himself. It was a pilates class. He realised his mistake immediately.
Washed the drying rack and now idk where to dry it