Him: (on phone) Why are you single? Me: (watching a movie about a killer tire) I don’t know.
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Oh my god y’all. I watched a woman attempt to go through airport security with ten fully inflated helium birthday balloons. She kept shoving them into the conveyor belt to the scanner but they just kept popping back out like a cartoon. Yes this happened in florida.
#truestory #puppylove #dogsonsofas
Brain: Talk to that girl.
Me: She’s ugly. You’re drunk.
Brain: No you are.
Me: How many fingers am I holding up?
Brain: 12.
Me: Lucky guess.
I was having a rough day so my wife suggested we make bread dough together.
I kneaded that.
Me: I can’t think of any life goals
Wife: God could you be any lazier?
Me: ooh good one
Whenever I make a list of chores I always add one or two tasks that I have already accomplished so that I can experience the immediate satisfaction of crossing them off.
Every kiss begins with ‘K’ I whisper quietly to myself as I read his one letter response to my last 7 text messages.
My daughter made a new best friend, Mike, at summer camp. My best friend’s name is also Mike. Last night I told my wife I was meeting Mike out for a beer and my daughter exclaimed, “MY FRIEND MIKE?!?” Yes, I’m having drinks with a preschooler, then we’re getting matching tattoos.
Why do parents train babies to peek with the game peekaboo but then spend the remaining childhood telling them not to peek?
sorry I didn’t answer when you called, I had 6 Peeps in my mouth
Celery was created by big dentist just to sell more dental floss.
I relate more to “Rice, rice, baby” – because Asian
Me: It’s going to be a great day!
Life: Yeah, about that…
Maybe she was just being paranoid, but Wendy couldn’t help feeling that she was being monitored.
I received a sibling discount when kid number two got braces today. Kid two said I should give her a cut since she “saved” me $200. I told her she actually cost me $5,000. She said, “Yeah, but not $5,200
“Last Christmas” is a strange song. It’s been 12 months and we’re just now addressing this situation?
[staff meeting]
“Ya so heads up, someone grabbed my lunch from the fridge, and there’s a 420% chance you shouldn’t eat the brownie inside”
my buddy: hey nick you want a beer?
the t1000 impersonating me: nah im good
my buddy: cool cool…. (slowly reaches for a shotgun under the counter)
Person: Why are you in a wheelchair?
Me [from my wheelchair]: I asked too many questions.
“We can’t put it off any longer Alan, our daughter needs new shoes”
CENTIPEDE DAD: [staring out the window] This is gonna bankrupt us Susan
Wearing polar fleece in the winter gives me a sense of security knowing I can jump start a car with my finger.
The 90s were wild. Scientists actually “cloned a sheep” as if we could tell sheep apart in the first place.
ok children, just to recap today’s lesson, let’s now repeat all the words you are not supposed to say.
If u havin girl problems i feel bad for u son
jery had 73 girlfriends throughout seinfelds run
ME: The plane has wifi? Sweet, I’m going to Skype call that radio psychic.
RADIO PSYCHIC: Go ahead caller, you’re on the air
ME: HOLY SHIT
in a senior moment, i forgot the word for bologna, so I said, “you know…ummm…hotdog pancakes!”
If you don’t fall in love with me, I’ll write poetry about you and then you’ll regret it.
You can’t make me happy, mate. You’re not a family sized packet of salty sweet popcorn.
Me: Why aren’t you in bed?
5: I need smooth jazz.
Me: Uh what?
5: I NEED YOU TO PLAY ME SMOOTH JAZZ!
The reason I switched from a backpack to a messenger bag is so that I look more classy and professional carrying nothing but snacks to work.