WIFE: I thought you said you were going to the gym.
ME: [playing Pokémon Go] I’ve been to like 3 of them today. What are you talking about?
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Hubs: How mean of my wife to teach the kid to hide my stuff at exact place it is supposed to be
I can’t decide whether or not I should do laundry or just buy another hamper.
ME: I sit when I pee. What’s the big deal?
JELLYFISH STING VICTIM: Nothing I guess.
5-year-old daughter: Barbie is mad at Ken.
*pushes their faces together*
Me: Did they kiss and make up?
5: No. She headbutted him.
Some jerk called me “pretentious” so I called him a “planktupus.” I can make up nonsense words too.
I’m not upset that you stopped my sneeze. I’m upset because you made my face look stupid for no reason.
Why yall taking long at Atm? yall
launching missiles or downloading
Space ships from NASA?
A “hootenanny” is someone who babysits your owls.
[on the way to the hospital]
GF: “let me get this straight. You thoug-”
Me: I thought that the mouse trap would detect that I am not a mouse
Excuse me officer, I have diplomatic immunity.
*Shows International House of Pancakes loyalty card*
Hate it when I can’t find my slippers so I have to stand upon the wings of my pet pterodactyl Benedict as he fetches me the morning paper
Me with megaphone: “COME DOWN FROM THERE. YOU HAVE SO MUCH TO LIVE FOR.”
Man: “I’m fixing your roof tiles, remember?”
Me: “I FORGOT!”
You’ve just gotta remember, some things don’t work out so you can make room for the things that will.
If both don’t work out…eat a cake.
ENTRY LEVEL JOB OPENING:
Hiring recent college gradsREQUIREMENTS:
5 years of experience, 6 Olympic gold medals, and superpowers.
When people name their town Plainview, at least they’re honest enough to admit it’s not much to look at.
My 8 year old daughter is either sick and needs constant care or she’s ready to move out and start her life. There’s no in between.
Scientists report global context shortage. “I guess I’ll have flan,” some scientist said, totally out of context.
Cop 1: There’s been another murder
Cop 2: I think I see a pattern emerging
Cop 1: Please. Put your knitting down and focus
If you add enough jalapeños no one will ever know you’re a bad cook.
On my tax form I checked the single box but added “and looking”.
Next on CNN, 600 hours of guessing what happened to a plane.
I’ve been dating a girl online who I think might be a Catfish. Every time I try to meet, her excuse is that she “can’t survive on dry land.”
Me: this is shit, I’m changing the channel
Wife: leave the baby monitor alone
Revenge is a dish whose photos I haven’t yet seen on Instagram.
who said “fortune favors the prepared” instead of “ready player won”?
3-year-old: Daddy, I love you *hugs me*
Me: I love y- Did you wipe your mouth on my shirt?
Most of fatherhood is just being a good napkin.
i love when they put tiny pieces of plastic grass in my grocery store sushi to simulate its natural habitat before i eat it
Me: Why are you running away like that? What’d you do?
My 6 year old: Nothing, I just thought you’d checked my closet.
[Interview]
Me: I really need the paycheck
Him: This is an unpaid internship.
Me: Do you provide snacks?
Him: Um, yes
Me: Keep going…
“You knew what you were getting into when you had children”
Did I? Did I know that I’d be arguing with a 4yo that we don’t lick peoples feet? DID I KNOW THAT?