Make up for past mistakes by frequently repeating them in new and astonishing ways.
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I forgot the word bird’s ‘nest’ earlier so I called it a twigloo.
doctor: we had to remove your appendix
JRR Tolkien: but that’s where I explain why elves hate dwarves
Not to brag, but Panera said I’m worth a treat so it’s good to know I’d go for at least $2 on the Panera black market.
Him: Why are you cuddling with the thermometer?
Her: Because he tells the truth, never disappoints me, and doesn’t judge my family, Cameron.
Him: This is getting ridiculous. I’m throwing that thing away.
Her: Don’t you dare touch, Freddie Mercury!
Make your first kiss more memorable by letting them know about your sci-fi themed weapon collection moments before your lips touch.
When asked my theory on Amelia Earhart’s disappearance I said “maybe she went black” and now I don’t have to help with homework
I held a ninjas anonymous group session today. I’m not sure if anyone showed up, but the coffee and donuts are all gone.
Oh, you’re a stoner?
Name every stone.
I’d hire this kid in 10 years.
“We’ll see” is Parentese for “No.”
“STOP IT STOP IT. CUT. THIS IS ALL WRONG” I scream at my cats dressed like vampires. “This is NOTHING like Twilight!!”
Harry Potter is realistic because it normally takes a kid 10 years to tell a story.
I love that the generation after millennials is called Generation Z like we all kinda know this whole thing is wrapping up soon
Starting next year, Santa comes in the afternoon while the kids are watching Netflix in their rooms so we don’t have to stay up all night assembling shit.
RT to cosign.
Satan’s first act in the bible was to suggest that people eat more fruit.
No wonder we all hate him.
Gf: Remember that night we had unprotected sex
Me: Yeah
Gf: I’m having twins
Me suspiciously: We only did it once why’s there two babies
My gynecologist didn’t think my ventriloquism skills were as charming as I did.
Five Little Monkeys jumping on the bed
One fell off and bumped his head
Mama sipped wine and said, “told ya.”
My wife told me she “likes it rough.”
So I replaced the toilet paper roll with a sandpaper roll.
-how guys understand women
(listening to “How to save a life” by The Fray) please hurry.
Who called it a Cold Sore and not a Public Display of Infection
NATE (naive): Want to share a pickle with me? Oh wait, I don’t have a knife.
ME (has seen Lady and the Tramp): Don’t even worry, pal.
[Wife sweeping up all the dog hair into one big pile and answers the phone]
30 seconds later…
Kid: Look mom fur angels
This might not be true but we have house centipedes so I was looking up how to get rid of them and ppl were like don’t, they’re apex predators so they’ll eat all the other bugs, then the other centipedes and eventually you’ll be left with just one extremely powerful centipede
The best part of being a bomb technician is that you can never have a bad day at work
The worst part of being a bomb technician is that you can never have a bad day at work.
Me: Does anyone need to use the restroom?
My kid: I have to poop, but Imma hold it till we get on the plane.
[job interview]
Interviewer: So what makes you think you’d be a good waiter here?
Octopus: I just really feel like I could bring a lot to the table.
5yo: I want a snack.
M: You can have a yogurt smoothie.
5: I NEED CHOICES!
M: Ok. You can have a yogurt smoothie or you can have nothing.
”Hey, you like water? yes? well I can turn it into wine.” -Jesus flirting in a bar
You can’t intimidate me; you’re not a hairbrush.