In 2058 the selfies became self aware and choose their own filters.
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Growing old is a gift.
Wetting yourself when you sneeze, not so much. 🤧🙄
My wife carved ‘I’M FINE’ into a pumpkin especially for me
So she’s obviously cool with me watching football all day and breathing an stuff
DON’T STOP BELIEVING!
…..but feel free to be somewhat skeptical from time-to-time
Thought I was having the worst day a person could have and then heard the guy in the next stall whisper to himself, “Well, that can’t be good.”
Awww, I remember when I was 18 and thought I was an adult too. Good times.
I don’t really like the paper towel holder setup here.
Time for a new house.
Whenever I lose my mind, I always look
for it in the refrigerator first
I’m not saying the character Merida was modeled after me,
but I too would rather win an archery contest than be married.
Starting to think that having kids just to get some help around the house was a bad idea.
[holding a playstation controller while i watch Friends and pretending i’m controlling chandler]
I swear if I see one more person enter this WalMart wearing pajamas I am going to take the belt off my bathrobe and choke them with it
Clipity clop, BANG!
Clipity clop, BANG!
Clipity clop, BANG!
Clipity clop, BANG!
Clipity clop, BANG!-Amish drive by
Whenever I leave a fancy restaurant I tell the people coming in “I recommend the squirrel”.
Doctors penmanship is so poor because they’re actually making fun of you to the pharmacist
ME, my last day as a stenographer: Hey sorry everybody, but real quick, are you all saying “murberer”?
“I’ll do it after I’m dead”
People that don’t know how death works.
[Commercial for babies]
*100 year old woman trying to feed a brick a bottle of milk*
“There’s got to be a better way”
your mom gives me a small baked snack. it’s on a napkin. idk where the trash can is so I just eat that too
Lately I’ve been really honest with people and so far only 47 people are mad at me
The “we’re going to need a bigger boat” scene from Jaws but just me looking at the shopping carts at the liquor store.
Hello my name is Morgan and I used to think lingerie was just a fancy way to say laundry
Extra car key
Extra house key
Extra storage unit key
Key to an extra apartment with a liquor cabinet– Keys to a successful relationship
“You do realize, that’s completely idiotic, and makes no sense at all…Right?”
-People who are told how tennis is scored for the first time
The good news is, Tony Abbott says Australia may have spotted two pieces of the plane. The bad news is, Tony Abbott says a lot of things.
#RuinABandNameWithOneLetter
Mullet For My Valentine
Things we didnt do
-Start the fire
-Shoot the deputyThings we did do
-Tried to fight it
-Shot the Sheriff
-Built this city on Rock and RollThings we will do
-Survive
-Rock YouThings we wont do
-Get fooled again
-Back Down
-That
-Give You Up
-Let you down
-Desert you
*goes outside*
*realises it’s entirely too windy to be wearing a skirt*
*regrets today’s choice of underwear*
My kid just said his dinner tasted like cat litter.
Not sure if I should be offended or wonder how he knows what cat litter tastes like.