No more emails. If you want something from me you must approach me slowly and calmly with a piece of apple or carrot in your palm with your fingers flat and extended so I do not bite them
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doctor: im afraid we’re going to have to amputate a leg
flamingo: i’ll manage
spider: same
snake: i have a question
I used to wear tailored suits. Now I have “good” leggings, “grocery store” leggings and “so it’s come to this” leggings.
Police: Sir, you account is hacked.
Me: Twitter?
Police: No, bank account.
Me: Oh, thank god !!
I just locked eyes with a spider.
But instead of killing him I ran away and hid, so he can spend the night stressing about where I am.
Do you know beforehand your dog is a cadaver dog, or do your first several walks always happen to end with finding a body?
{Horses on a road trip passing my house}
HORSE 1: *Points at me in my yard* Human.
I don’t want to house hunt, I only do it to keep house populations in check.
“Huh?” – Wonder Woman
Recipe sites be like: Here’s a recipe, but first let me recite my family history back to 1578, tell you about my silly lil’ DUI I got in college, show you 57 pictures of my dog, and complain about my no-good spouse who is cheating with the landlord
I bet somebody on Facebook is vowing to not eat Russian salad dressing EVER AGAIN.
Being a mother is really quite rewarding.
At tax time.
I’m running out of lies to tell in confessional but it’s the only place I can sit in silence away from my kids.
[at the grocery store] yes i would like one grocery please
The recommended age to have a Ouija Board is 8+ years old.
So, you need to be 21 years old to drink alcohol and 8 to summon the devil.
You know you’re desperate for a night out when the babysitter tells you they have lice and for a split second you think: stick on a damn hat and get over here
Love that ‘beat the number’ electronic sign speed game!
So fun when the officer celebrates your high score with the lights & a certificate!
My dad was a failed magician & I have two half-sisters.
I love traveling with my husband because it gives us an opportunity to bicker in new and exotic locations.
Have you ever looked at someone & thought, you sure could benefit from getting a library card?
Tax return hit so you know what that means… Yeah, I got egg money now.
I’m at the dentist. They put a bib on me and left.
Are they preparing lobster? I hope they are preparing lobster.
My husband pissed me off so I went shopping for the afternoon, with all of our remotes.
When my kids were little they’d say the cleverest things to total strangers like, “My mom drove into the garage door when it was shut.”
Can’t, just found out I’m way behind on my 6th grade math homework.
JUDGE: You’re going to a maximum-security prison.
ME: Good, that makes me feel safe.
Is that a sweet potato in your pants, or are you just oddly shaped?
A guest dropped by my dirty house on short notice today, so I put cleaning supplies out all over the place. They were just for show.
Take two chicken wings and call me in the morning.
Guy: who was that?
Me: it was an automated call reminding me to vote
Guy: uh huh. How’d he get your number?