When I see a self-help book at a secondhand store, I wonder…does that mean it worked, or it is bullshit?
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Meatloaf wouldn’t have looked so winded if he’d just named the one thing he won’t do, instead of listing everything he would.
This is a true ally.
If an animal kills me in the wild, please take its picture with my body
I wish had the patience of a former coworker who would peel her strawberries
Jesus: I can turn water into wine.
Aquarium: [loud drunken cheering]
“weighing in at 129 lbs, here to throw down in a gown, to slay with a bouquet-”
(Bride walks down the aisle, upset I mentioned her weight)
Sure the blue urinal cakes LOOK delicious but I’ve learned my lesson
In lieu of working today i’m gonna commit crimes
The flight attendant has said “..and one in the rear” 3 times now and I’m Paul. I’m 12 years old.
Twitter is like if the bad news bears went to a team-building retreat
today i learned that up to half of the worker ants in a colony are only pretending to work. just looking busy so they don’t get tasked with anything. i respect ants so much more
This Teenage girl gave me attitude today so I called her the “Fattest Skinny person I have ever seen” that should confuse her for a while.
My girlfriend is pissed that I just matched with her on Tinder.
This Venn guy was sure bad at drawing circles next to each other
A kid in the grocery store screamed “I’M COMING FOR YOU, CORNDOGS!” as his dad opened the freezer, and I felt jealous that he has a catchphrase at age 10.
“You killed a dude
I hate your attitude
That’s why you’re going to jail,
Without bail
25 to life
Bubba is your new wife.”-Poetic Justice
me after being off twitter for two days: “haha wow I don’t know what anyone is talking about”
some meme: “don’t you want to?”
Free pizza at work got me like “Fine, I’ll come back on Monday”.
My friend sneezed and I didn’t say “God bless you” and I had to watch helplessly as demons appeared and dragged him to hell.
doctor looking at his iPad: oh no, this isn’t good …
Me: give it to me straight doc what is it
doctor: well, I forgot my wifi password
“Good night, was it?” – Translation: You look like you slept in a hedge.
Have I ever steered you wrong?
*flashback to you at zoo in bear suit
Me: They wont attack if ur dressed like one of them, now go get my ball
Active Yeast: Let’s make that bread fam
Inactive Yeast: Let’s stay in bed man
DECORATOR: Now I’ve finished the job can I come over and take some pictures?
ME: Of course. I’ll miss you too.
DECORATOR: I meant of my work
When another writer is telling you about their latest script deal.
Hell hath no fury like a woman who doesn’t remember asking you to wake her up from a nap
May my enemies all have to walk several miles in wet jeans
Hello Dragons I have a new invention called a “Tarp”
Dragons: what does it do?
Well you use it to keep something dry for like a couple hours then you fold it up for 2 and a half years.
Dragons: is there a spider in it when you use it next?
There are hundreds.
Life was once a string of awkward silences but then I got a kazoo