*leaves the kids w/ a new babysitter
*calls to check on the sitter
You Might Also Like
[gazing into The mirror of Erised]
Harry Potter: *sees his dead parents that he’s never met*
Ron Weasley: *sees a Taco Bell opening in Diagon Alley*
Sweetie if I was fake, I would pretend to be someone awesome and not a lonely weirdo.
the closest I get to a manicure is when I jam olives on my fingers and pretend I’m a tree frog
I just remembered that Sun Chips made a fully biodegradable bag and people were like “this sucks, it’s too loud” as if Sun Chips consumers need a tactical stealth corn snack. Like buddy you’re eating sour cream and onion chips not infiltrating Bin Laden’s compound.
Despite evidence to the contrary, I still maintain typing louder and harder will magically make my incorrect password correct.
I tell people I’m narcoleptic so if I fall asleep when they’re talking to me I don’t seem rude.
(god creating crows) black. blacker! little beady eyes. deathly squawk
angel: what if there’s a bunch of them
god: MURDER
angel: you ok pal?
What we should have feared all along is all the stupid people banding together.
[baby finally falls asleep]
ME: *tip toes to couch* I can finally relax
DOG: I’M GONNA BARK FOR NO REASON
I would pay extra for a grocery store app that alerts me to the checkout line filled with people who apparently have never gone through a grocery store checkout line before in their life.
There are innumerable mental health benefits of spending time in nature, but that doesn’t mean coming into the forest and screaming “fix my life” at the trees.
I would never raise a hand to my children, but I do occasionally gift them an exploding cigar to evidence displeasure.
3yo: I need you to fix this.
Me: Listen, I got my own problems. You fix it.
3yo: Listen, you got my problems and your problems.
Me: Actually that’s very accurate. Give me your toy. I’ll fix it.
Mimes are known to commit
unspeakable acts.
i love that my tweets still say i’m tweeting from earth because i know a lot of you are tweeting straight from URANUS
My doctor said I need to lose weight so I have to cut carbs. Or get a new doctor. whatever is easiest.
I hope this email finds you well. But if you’re well, that means you were able to answer my previous emails, so honestly I’d feel better if this email finds you unwell.
I always use a short cut when I’m going to knife fight a midget.
*storms out of office bathroom*
*slams roll of single-ply toilet paper on boss’s desk*
I CAN’T WORK LIKE THIS
a gaggle of geese, a murder of crows, a genocide of seagulls, a holocaust of toucans
I tucked my kids in last night and said, “See you in the morning!” and then we laughed and laughed. Saw them 16 more times before sunrise.
5-year-old: Can I borrow a dollar?
Me: You don’t have a job. How will you pay me back?
5:
Me:
5: I’ll borrow another dollar.
I saw six men kicking and punching the mother-in-law. My neighbor said ‘Are you going to help?’ I said ‘No, six should be enough.’
It doesn’t matter how windy it is or how fast you run, dogs make terrible kites
A career website for plumbers called sinkedin
Neighbor: What do you do?
Me: I work from home. I’m a writer and editor.
Neighbor: Ah, well… No shame in that.Nope, not until now, dude.
You can’t hurt my feelings, pffft, I have three kids
Just drove past a new typewriter repair shop…
That’s not a front for anything illegal I’m sure…
I’m starting an emu farm and calling it ‘no fly zone’ so the birds don’t feel bad.
Bathroom stall doors should have peepholes so you don’t have to awkwardly knock if someone is in there