Toddler: My feet are cold, do you have any feet warm stuff?
Me: Yes, socks
Toddler: No!!
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my cousin went to pride years ago and threw up on someone on a ferris wheel- fast forward 10 years, him and his husband were talking about pride and his husband told him a story about when he was thrown up on at pride- my cousin threw up on his husband 5 years before they met
Welcome to your 40’s. You now have to second guess your age as you can’t believe you’re that old
honey I’m home
wife: how was your first night class
well [hangs up suit of armor] not good
My husband said he wanted complete honestly in our relationship
So I said I wanted a divorce
I’m forbidding the twelve people who regularly star my tweets to ever fly in an airplane together.
Bill is short for Billiam
Some people say America is obese, but I blame our flag. Everyone knows that horizontal stripes make you look fatter.
Friend: what are you doing for VD?
Me: taking antibiotics and drinking cranberry juice
Friend: Valentine’s Day…
Me, leaning in: taking antibiotics and drinking cranberry juice
Don’t let fear stop you from living.
Zombies will take care of that.
Here is a poem for #NationalDrinkWineDay entitled “The Problem of Writing a Poem in the Shape of a Wine Glass”.
Tea without sugar isn’t “unsweetened tea”.
It’s. Just. Tea.
Why is it called a ‘dad-bod’ and not a ‘father-figure’?
Me: Well, that’s enough for one day.
Husband: But you just woke up.
Me: Exactly.
My kid asked how the Easter bunny gets inside the house and I’m very uncomfortable with the amount of lying this parenting gig requires.
What if gravity…was invented by the vacuum industry so there was always shit on the floor to clean up. Just hear me out tho.
Times when the world seems different somehow:
– being in your elementary school as an adult
– being in a pool when it rains
– train stations at night
– when the ghost of the girl who died in your building tells you to get out or die
– walking through fresh snow by yourself
*walks into the funeral home*
*climbs into a coffin*
I’m ready when you are
me: so… you want to come back to my place? *bites bottom lip*
her: don’t bite my lip
I may be fat now, but you’re stupid forever.
[pet store]
Um hi can I have 4 turtles & 1 rat
Clerk: hah trying to make ur own ninja turtles dude
Me:*hiding miniature sai and katana* n no
RIP boiling water. You will be mist.
“No. Delete it.” -Mona Lisa
Falling in love makes you do stupid things. Once I even got married.
[the instructor clearly frustrated with me on first day of veterinary school]
“It doesn’t matter if its a dog, it’s still called a cat scan”
Me: My friend is having a birthday party for his dog.
Her: How old is he?
Me: (Sigh) Too old to be having a birthday party for his dog….
I’m thinking about registering as a sex offender just so families with lots of kids won’t move into my neighborhood.
my wife preps for bed with a routine of reading, aromatherapy & no screen time
i prep for bed by only sleeping 3 hours the night before
Excited for Game of Thrones tonight because it’ll be nice to see civilized political discourse for a change.
I hate it when all of North America tells me I exaggerate
*gently pushes Spider-Man out the door with a magazine*