Yoga was invented in 1301 when a Buddhist monk fell down a big hill slowly.
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My husband pissed me off so when he wasn’t looking I poured water on the floor in front of the dishwasher. He’s been fixing it for the past 2 hours.
People think dads are dumb for getting to the airport 5 hours early but it’s only because we saved up several thousand dollars for a couple of beers before the flight. Who’s the dumb one now?
ME: *sits*
BARBER: You’re completely bald.
ME: Just snip the scissors around my ears and gently touch my head for 10 mins, please.
Hey, NSA, if you’re going to read them, would it kill you to star them?
I possess a devastating combination of perfectionism and incompetence
me: jesus, all i have in the cupboard is two tins of tuna fish, an expired box of jello, and egg noodles
1950’s cookbook author’s ghost, calling from hell: well well well, not so high and mighty now, are we?
How’s adulting going for me today u ask?
Well,I just spend 20 minutes looking for my phone in my car
While using my phone as a flashlight.
“I’ll never forget you!” I yelled to what’s his name.
He kept asking to see “more” of me but for some reason my colonoscopy results were “too much”
Foh
Me: This guy *slides photo across table* I want you to shoot him in the leg
Hitman: This is a photo of you
Me: My wife wants me to try zumba
How long does Netflix have to be down before they send someone to your house to stroke your hair & tell you everything’s going to be alright
God: you’ll be man’s best friend
Cat: nah
God: wh-what
Cat: give the role to that guy *points at dog chasing its tail*
Dog: oh boy oh boy i won’t let you down i just love u so much! iloveuiloveuiloveu
God: ok you have a point
Dog, to cat: ilove-
Cat: *swats nose* no
All movies about zombies are Easter movies because of resurrection.
Stranger: nice to meet you
Me: give it time
“Like a good neighbor, State Farm is there,” we chant. Another agent appears inside the pentagram and screams. The dark lord feasts tonight.
imagine a frog. good. now imagine a frog wearing a party hat and playin a lil tambourine. even better
This everything bagel has too much giraffe on it
me: [thinking] I don’t want kids
my mom: [2000 miles away gets a mental notification and texts me] how could you do this to me?
wife: everyone at buffalo wild wings is staring at you
me: i’m sorry if i like using a fork and knife
wife: on your coke though?
4YO: Mom, you just yawned. That means you’re tired.
6YO: No, she just sighed. It means she’s had it with you.
Me: What’s your name please?
Customer: Hal
Me: I never met a Hal What’s that short for?
Customer: Harold
Me: I’m gonna go ahead and write Hallelujah
Boss: Could you ever just don’t?
Restless leg syndrome does not give you the right to swiftly kick people whenever you feel like it. I know that now.. 😆
I don’t understand people who punch walls. “I’m so mad, I want to spend all day tomorrow plastering over the hole I’m about to make.”
Protip: When an office says it’s paperless, it usually does not include the restrooms.
If dinosaurs were still alive, people would do a lot more running.
[fancy restaurant]
me: this has a fine oaky taste
sommelier: sir is eating the cork
Well this is awkward. Apparently when my wife’s friend invited me over for a play-date I was supposed to bring my kids.
i used to side with chief brody but now i’m team mayor because the shark’s only gonna eat 1-2 more people & he’ll be stuffed. we’ll sell soo many shark toys
Haha is there a Mr-demeanor?
*Judge bangs his gavel*
“ORDER!”
So’s there an ordHIM?!
“Oh for the lov- GUILTY!”
…
Does this Guilt have a sist
my 4yo daughter has 2 older brothers and removes remote control batteries after selecting her program & volume so good luck fellas