I was wondering how they got the sign to just float in midair like that. Now it makes sense.
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35+ crowd getting ready for the Teddy Riley vs Babyface battle
You want me to take a shower? the thing that ended dinosaurs?
Wife: I told you to dress our daughter in her purple shirt.
Me: I did.
Wife: That’s mauve.
I hate it when she makes up words.
I’m just a girl, with a baseball bat, smashing my internet modem into a gazillion pieces.
I guess if Porky Pig wants to flash someone, he just takes off his bowtie?
[before meditation]
I just wanna kill someone[after meditation]
and I know EXACTLY how
Stephen Fry is being investigated for blasphemous comments.
Stephen Colbert is being investigated for a joke.
LET MY STEPHENS GO! 😡
DOG BOSS: ur fired
ME: wait, is there any way you’ll reconsider?
DOG BOSS: no
ME: u want to go for a ride in the car
DOG BOSS: *tilts head*
Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Teach him how to fish, and he will sit in a boat and drink beer all day.
me choking on my own saliva for no reason.
Toothpaste sure knows how to ruin whatever you’re drinking.
the legend of bigfoot and the bodacious badonkadonk
It’s adorable how I write “beer” on my shopping list like I’d somehow forget.
Condoms aren’t completely safe. A friend of mine was wearing one and got hit by a bus.
Me – Actually goes for a walk
FitBit – You OK?
A 5-year-old just asked me if I’d ever heard of algae. You bet I have you little weirdo!
Since wine is made from grapes its technically accurate to say I did a fruit juice cleanse for New Years Eve.
Ticketmaster: $55 per ticket
Me: ok I’ll take 2
Ticketmaster: ok that will be $400
Ken is short for chicken
Do you ever get road rage while walking behind someone moving slow at the grocery store?
I put up Diwali lights, and can’t wait to flex on other dads by telling them I’m all set for Christmas
INTERVIEWER: What is your greatest strength?
ME: I can anagram anything
WIENER RIVET: And your greatest weakness?
me *limping*
wife: What happened to you?
me: I took a nap
In a marriage it’s always a competition to see who can look busier, hence why I sighed and shook my head repeatedly while writing this.
For International Women’s Day, I’d like to recognize my sister wife. Without her I’d have to manage my kids’ timeouts and nag my husband all by myself. Thank you, Alexa.
ME: we have a problem, i’m out of beer
HER: it’s ok i don’t drink
ME: ok we have 2 problems
Son: Do you know what type of tea the British Army serves?
Me: No, what?
Son: Camo meal
*we tearfully embrace*
Wife: JFC
remains to be seen, not heard
– undertakers
[Tarot reading ends]
Reader: Remember, you’ve been warned!
Me: *looks up from phone* Oh maybe I should have been listening to that.
Hey girl are you a capri sun? Because i want to stab you.