The plural of beer is beer, which is very convenient when you are explaining to your wife why you were late coming home from work.
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Did my fruit just move?
Pear-anormal activity
Your head is basically just the smartest part of your body wrapped in the spookiest part of your body.
I can relate to Alice in Wonderland. She just keeps randomly eating and drinking with the hope that it might magically solve her problems.
Obama: Get Air Force One ready.
Biden: OK! *runs off*
Obama: The plane, not the movie.
*Biden does 360*
Biden: Yeah I know.
Sometimes I think I’m stupid then I remind myself: Would a stupid person spend years of their life on twitter? Yeah I didn’t think so…
Kid: Would you like to buy me this candy bar or watch me have a Stage 5 meltdown in front of a bunch of strangers who are quietly judging your parenting?
Wait!! There’s a box??? 😂😝
ME: do you agree that the opposite of break is repair
WIFE: yes
ME: and the opposite of fast is slow
WIFE: yes
ME: then the opposite of breakfast is repairslow
WIFE: no it isn’t
ME: *pinching bridge of nose* let’s try this one more time
I can always end an argument with my wife by undressing; presto, she has a headache and goes to bed.
“Space heater” is a pretty ambitious name. How about “shin warmer?”
This guy told me he spoke Swedish and then spoke Swedish and tbh I have no way of knowing if he was lying.
anyone who doesn’t have a crush on me is wrong but also anyone who DOES have a crush on me is wrong too. confusing, i know!
Son: am I adopted?
Me: not yet, but we’re hopeful.
“It’s pretty neat how the laundry keeps washing and folding itself.”
-my family
I lovingly caress my belly.
“You’re expecting?” a woman asks.
I smile serenely. “Just ate an amazing burrito,” I tell her.
I am NOT a grammar Nazi!
I’m alt-write.
*gets in taxi*
Me: Wow it’s cold out there, my hand is freezing.
Cabbie: Where to?
Me: (putting on other glove) You know what, you’re right.
The day we decided such footwear would be called “flip-flops” was not our most creative moment.
My tween would like you to know I ruined his life when I told him to stop being super sus and cringe and be more lit yo.
[SPEED DATING]
HER: Hi, is this seat free?
ME: By all means.
HER: *drags chair across room
ME: WTF?
HER: *laughing, sits with another couple
Me: Both of our hamsters died and we just can’t part with them
Taxidermist: Would you like them mounted?
Me: Um no, just holding hands
Friend: wyd
Me: *waxing my bits*
texts – Arts and crafts, you?
I’m just gonna make myself president. Nobody else ever seems to workout. Gotta do it yourself.
space horror is the best horror. what’s out there? no one knows! big rocks. creepy things. sticky things. math! stuff on fire. big holes. big holes with math in them.
Yes I carry a briefcase chained to my wrist in the airport. No one is stealing my travel cheese.
My lasso of truth is just an eel I point aggressively at the people I’m questioning. We have a 100% success rate.
Today I was seated next to lovely, glowing, first-time pregnant woman, who looked me in the face and told me her child will be a mellow introvert. I let her have the moment.
Me, on phone: I’m too scared of sharks to go to the beach
Friend: But sharks kill less people per year than- *thud*
Me: … Than what?
Friend:
Me: Hello?
Voice on other end: Moo.
i haven’t seen a “turn $50 into $5000” post in a minute, y’all in jail now?
Sad news. My girlfriend Lorraine has dumped me.
She found out I was seeing another girl called Claire Lee.
Good news is, I can see Claire Lee now Lorraine has gone.