Calorie tracker: I’ll help you see everything you ate today.
White t-shirt: lol same.
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Surprise them all by pulling a sword on your maid of honor.
I’m sorry I said your head looks too small to power your body.
Son: Teach me to fight
Me: You don’t fight with these *makes fists* You fight with this *points to head*
[later]
Principal: Your son’s been head butting kids on the playground
Me: *nods sagely* Just as I taught him
MY WIFE:We named you after our favorite songs. You were mine
LAYLA: I love that
ME: And you mine
THEME FROM DUCKTALES: No, yeah, I figured
Piers Morgan has taken a very strong stance against guns, and who can blame him?
If you had a gun, you’d shoot him too.
First date tip: let a photo of a dog fall out of your wallet. When she asks “is that your puppy?” say “No. That’s my dad.” Then storm off.
I have to stop saying “Because I’m Batman” all the time. It’s not cute anymore. Oh wait. Yea it is! You know why? Because I’m Batman.
It turns out that the Circle of Life doesn’t mean a donut, I’m so confused.
Don’t mess with me man, I will put glitter on everything you love.
The love I feel for my family is always constant. My tolerance is another matter.
Wanna feel old? Helium formed for the first time 13.8 billions years ago.
Always a massive red flag than when a guy lists “The Art of War” as one of his favorite books. It’s like, you’re an accountant, Brent, you’re not Tyrion Lannister
Playing dead in the supermarket to avoid having a conversation with someone you know attracts more attention than I anticipated…go figure.
4: Let’s hunt turkeys, Daddy.
Me: How do we do that?
4: Put up a big sign that says, “Come here, Turkeys!”
I might be raising Elmer Fudd.
niece: Diamond earrings!?
[flashback to me, drunk, wrapping presents]
me: Oh shit
Absence does not make the heart grow fonder.
Unless you’re talking about Oreos.
[spelling bee]
Your word is ‘monosyllabic’
“Can you describe it in a sentence?”
Yes
If only I had invested $1000 in Google back in 1997 I’d have $14.5 billion right now. Too bad my loser parents made me go to middle school instead.
For the record, riding my unicycle to the bank robbery was a terrible idea.
Don’t even talk to me until I’ve had my coffee.
*never drinks coffee again*
This is nice.
Ask yourself, is she really crazy? Or is she just trying to get out of the next family event?
Having kids has made me a better person, because I now have a constant example of how jerks behave.
*Husband using Ouija board after I’ve died*
Please answer me
*arrow moves*
“It’s on the top shelf. Right there. RIGHT THERE! Use your eyes!”
I’ve got a couple of eyebrow hairs that want me to be a villain.
thug: empty your pockets
me: (bursts into tears) women’s clothing doesn’t have pockets!
thug: I’m sorry for upsetting you. Here’s $30
me (sniffing): and where exactly am I supposed to put that?
Things that don’t kill bees
1. Furniture polish
2. Febreeze
3. Butter
4. Screaming
Before meeting a hot chick, wish I could talk to the dude who’s sick of her bullshit.
Grandma: ‘And that’s how me and your grandfather chose the colour of toaster in our first home’
Me: ‘So you haven’t seen my scarf?’
CNN: The alien invasion has begun
British person: I’ll put the kettle on
[cats at shelter]
Where’s Frank?
“Got adopted 3 weeks ago. Gone soft too. Healthcare plan. Hypoallergenic blanket. Goes by Mr. Boots now.”