Joseph: I swear I just heard the wind call your name
Mary: um, that was probably…god
Joseph: God sounded a lot like our neighbor Jeff
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HORRIFIC IMAGE YOU CAN NEVER UNSEE
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angry guy who didn’t get the joke
I jack off in the shower using only L’Oréal conditioner. Why? Because I’m worth it.
Actually, I want to be a robot for Halloween
-my 3 yo, just before noon, October 31
My weightloss journey will be before pictures only.
If you don’t swear when you’re driving, you aren’t paying enough attention to the road.
I shot my first Turkey today. Scared the shit out of everyone in the frozen food section, it was awesome!
Genie: you have three wishes.
Me: i want a million wishes.
Genie: oh you’re one of those. Hey Jim! Come on out front! We’ve got one of those back again!
kinda bullshit my iPhone doesn’t recognize my face with food hanging out of it
❎ Client not paid?
✅ Add opacity to the body tag and increase it every day until their site completely fades away
Dam, girl. What did you think I was building?
– Beaver
Community dinner theater is great because sometimes you’re hungry but you also want to see bad acting.
I never made it as a firefighter. I thought arsonists were people who hated arson, so every time we met one I thanked him for his support
I’m like American Cheese.
Krafty and oh so single.
Also terrible for you.
I won’t tell anyone if I win the lottery,
but there will be signs…
Did you hear that John Travolta might have the coronavirus? He has chills that were multiplying.
I’ll see myself out.
[at specialist office]
Service desk: witch doctor are you here to see?
Me: I’m here for…did you just say witch doctor?
SD: no
M: you sure?
SD: *shakes skeleton head maracas behind desk* no
Me: Tonight we dine like kings!
*checks wallet*
Me: Like burger kings!
[Haunted House]
Ghost:You’ve been here a week
Me: I like you
G:You knew what this was
M: I thought I was your boo
G: I say that to everyone
[lips on a snake]
WIFE: what are you doing?
ME: getting rid of the poison
WIFE: you’re supposed to suck your own bite
SNAKE: leave him alone
cop: *knocks on my car window*
me: sorry is the music too loud
cop: yes
me: *sets down bagpipes*
If you didn’t get called to a meeting with your 5-yr-old son’s principal because he was inviting girls to his “naked party,” you aren’t me.
ME: Do you believe in ghosts?
WIFE: Yes.
ME: A ghost just spent $600 on a new home surround sound system.
Taco guy: guac costs extra
Obi Wan: [wafts hand] guac is free
Taco Guy: guac is free…
Anakin: why’d u even pay for the taco?
Obi Wan: dammit
DATING TIP: PULL THE CHAIR OUT FOR HER. PICK THE CHAIR UP & FOLD IT. HIT HER OVER THE HEAD WITH THE CHAIR. GET THE 3 COUNT. NEW WWE CHAMPION
I’m ready for a new relationship.
My past is buried in the backyard, to fertilize the tomatoes.
Have you seen the Christmas pizza at Domino’s?
The baby cheese crust.
TV is so unrealistic. Friends drop by unannounced and people are happy to see them
Please doctor, my flabber,,, it is so ghasted,,,
I just really think bacon should be called “fry”con
My boss: did…you make this powerpoint on company time
If you think your microwave collecting data and the TV spying on you is bad enough…
The vaccum cleaner has been gathering dirt on you for years.