Let’s hear it for the staff in this branch of Maplin, still able to crack funnies ahead of their store’s impending closure …
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I told my boss that he needs to raise my salary because two companies are after me.
Boss: “What companies are those?”
Me: “The electricity company and the water company.”
IMPORTANT ANNOUNCEMENT IN THE TWEET BELOW
[harry potter at work]
Coworker: you can see those crazy winged horses huh
Harry: a thestral, yes
Coworker: cause you saw whosamort kill your classmate
Harry: his name was cedric & it was a very dark point in my life
Coworker: so speaking of dark the copier needs more toner
are they though??
When I was a little kid, I used to think “this little pig went to market,” meant it was going shopping!
My 9yo on Shark Tank:
“It’s a shirt, but look, it’s also a napkin!”
DRACULA: [bites me]
ME: Oh shit, am I vampire now?
DRACULA: Yes.
ME: Forever?
DRACULA: No, we’re only creating limited-term adjunct vampires due to budget cuts.
ME: Oh okay. Any chance it becomes permanen—
DRACULA: No. Now get in this coffin you share with 20 other vampires.
ME: *tiptoes quietly out of the house alone at 3am* *drives 20 miles into the countryside* *goes into a cave and walks a mile through a series of tunnels* *enters a lead-lined room* *quietly opens a packet of crisps*
MY DOG: *ears prick up*
My son asked me to teach him how to tie a tie but I thought it was just easier to give him the already knotted tie that has been handed down by the men in my family for generations.
“Are you good and hard for me yet?”
– me boiling eggs
Husband confiscated my credit card last week. The news just said that Amazon stock is down.
THIS IS ALL HIS FAULT.
I got a weather service alert that my area is under a flash flood warning and to “take immediate action” so I bought a boat on Amazon. I don’t know I feel like they could be more specific.
*Writes a song for you*
*Sings it under your bedroom window*
*You call the cops*
*Your husband falls in love with me*
MOM: Story time
ME: Yay!
MOM: it’s called
“The Little Engine that Could, but doesn’t cuz he’s a little shit that won’t move out”ME: mom?
“Goodnight, don’t look at your phone too long”
“I won’t”2am on Wikipedia: “So *that’s* how they make bowling balls…”
This is a terrible time for kidnappers.
I’m invited to a wedding this weekend.
I have two days to come up with a disease or cut off a finger.
[me as a snake handler]
Hi, I’m here to put handles on all your snakes.
My dad owned a convenience store when I was a kid and he would give me the keys to Ms. Pac-Man so I could play for free.
Let me tell you the drunk-with-power feeling that was for a 10 yr old pushing that credit button. I’ve been chasing that high ever since.
All these people casually jogging down the street, and then me, looking like I’m trying to pull an invisible dog sled.
I can always tell, after reading the first page, if a script has, at least, two pages.
The Story of Volcanos
God: Ok, how about a mountain..
Angel: We got mountains.
God: Lemme finish. That shits fire.
Angel: Metal.
*fist bump*
Thanksgiving fact: Giblets are just Grandma speak for the gross stuff.
*Magneto flapping his wrist frantically, trying to shake loose a fork stuck to his hand*
I don’t always eat 100-calorie packs of anything, but when I do, I make sure and eat the whole box.
Can you die from sitting on the floor to play with your kid, because I just tried to get up and it feels like you can die from it.
Husband and I were blissfully happy for 25 years.
Then we met.
Please boss, tell us again how important it is the company gets to $3 billion in revenue. I bought an 18 pack of beer with dimes last night.
The bad news is we need to downsize on people named Jeremy, so you’re fired.
WHAT WAS THE GOOD NEWS?
India’s tiger population is up 30%!