Me: *brings a package inside*
4yo: What’s is in there? Is it toys?
Me: Just some bras.
4yo: Ugh! Someone keeps sending you bras.
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When the sonographer says your ovaries look like the dark side of the moon, that’s good, right?
A scrub is a guy who thinks he’s fly.
[I scramble to take off my full-body fly costume]
If the world was serious about embracing renewable energy, someone would have already called me about harnessing the power from my 4 year old’s shouting
If there’s one thing children have taught me it’s how to count down from 5 while pretending there’s a huge consequence if I ever reach zero.
[sets up grandfather’s first computer]
ME: Okay, Grandpa… Just call me if you have any questions or problems.
[phone rings one hour later]
ME: Hello?
GRANDPA: WebMD says I’m pregnant.
My kid, 6: What’s the biggest structure a civil engineer has made?
Also my kid: Which way does the L go?
I’m not saying your dumb. I’m saying you’re dumb.
This woman’s “I’m deleting my Facebook” post has 52 comments and she’s replied to all of them. Not a strong start.
If I’m ever murdered, it will be because I said something absolutely perfect to someone with no sense of humor.
Me: Liar, liar, pants on fire! Nose as long as a telephone wire!
Daughter: A telephone WHAT?
Me: Wire.
Daughter: That doesn’t make sense.
Captain’s Log:
Day 1 —
Heavy storm shipwrecked us on an island. If we patch up the ship we can make it back to port. I’m confident in my crew that we can make it through this and get the S.S. Anger Management sea worthy again.Day 2 —
We killed Seamus.
Damn, this hole is wet
*I say right after stepping into a puddle
Therapist: What do we say when we’re feeling sad?
Me: I need a drank n’ a tranq.
Therapist: No.
a pez dispenser but for teeny tiny eclairs
“lassie i don’t see anyone at the bottom of this well. are you sure-” timmy felt the paws on his back. his eyes widened as he understood…
Parenting is about lovingly tucking your kids into bed at night and still waking up with a small foot on your face.
Me: *singing “Don’t stop believing”*
Joe: What are you doing?
Me: Practicing for Journey duty
J: You mean Jury duty?
M: No, it says…shit
People think I’m a hugger, but I’m actually shaking them down for snacks.
friend: make her feel wanted
me: okay
[later]
me: *tossing photo at table of bounty hunters* this is your target
i unknowingly took my toddler to the museum with a shirt pocket full of scrambled eggs
I hope this email finds you well. But if you’re well, that means you were able to answer my previous emails, so honestly I’d feel better if this email finds you unwell.
I love how there’s just no social rules at the airport. Wanna sleep on the ground in public? Cool. A shot of tequila and beer at 7am? Right on, normal stuff. Also the dogs are cops.
Ladies,
Please stop answering our questions with “yes, of course”. All you’re doing is forcing us to nod our heads like we knew that.
Men
Important Valentine’s Day PSA:
Sure, we all think Cupid is cute, but you should never teach babies archery. If you think crying is annoying, just imagine a tantrum with flying arrows.
Be safe. If they’re under three, melee weapons only!
I deal with my problems in the order they were received.
Right now they’re all on hold listening to crappy music.
so what are you guys doing for the other 3/4ths of july
Like boxes of shit in your house? Get a cat.
Hate it when people tell me “don’t be stupid”. It’s not like I have a choice in the matter.
5-year-old: Do you know what I learned at school?
Me: What?
5: I was asking you. I don’t remember.
The other day I walked past a neighbor’s house and the parrot on their porch whistled at me.
If I were a therapist, I would prescribe this to everyone with depression, every day, forever.
BRB gonna walk past my neighbor’s house