Waiter: “I’m afraid your credit card has been declined.”
Me: “Try this one.”
W: “This is a blood donor card.”
M: “Take as much as you need.”
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You gotta wet it first, doesn’t work dry. The wetter the better.
-whistling you perverts
Gf: *holding my secret second phone* what the hell is this for
Me: *uses it so my screen time doesn’t say 19 hours a day* cheating
14: Wanna play a game?
12: Sure!
14: Do an impression of Mom
12: Oh that’s easy
14: WITHOUT SWEARING
12: Forget it.The end.
May my enemies all have to walk several miles in wet jeans
I accidentally typed ‘thee’ and now I’m listening to lute music and my neighbour Jeff just succumbed to the Plague.
My brother has been remodeling his guest bathroom for over a year. The door has been off for almost as long.
And that’s how you keep people from visiting your house.
A recent medical study shows that women who carry a little extra weight generally live longer than the men in their lives who mention it.
On the bright side you only need one more brain cell and you could pass as a plant
I wrote a Facebook status asking what’s happening in Young Sheldon and then unfriended everyone who replied.
Nothing makes me feel more beautiful than when the woman waxing my eyebrows asks if I want my moustache done too.
Coworker sneezed, and said “Oh my. I don’t know where that came from.”
I’m no Scientist, but I’m pretty sure it came from her nose.
Your name is Jeff with a G? Jeffg? Ok
Sex but instead of moaning she yells YAAAAHAHAHOOOEEYYY like Goofy does evey time he falls
ME: *throwing up gang signs*
FRIEND: Dude, how many did you eat?
Morpheus: [holding blue and red pills]
Neo:
Morpheus: I can’t remember which one was which
*eating chips for breakfast at 3 pm*
I wish I had a better metabolism
#wordsofwisdom
If it says, ‘Do not try this at home’ – go and visit a friend.
Films whose titles give away the ending:
• Sole Survivor
• Drag Me To Hell
• Saving Private Ryan
• Death of a Salesman
• Bruce Willis is A Ghost
My son has reached an age where he’s becoming curious about the human body, so I think I’m gonna have to drag it out of the crawlspace and bury it behind the shed.
They say all dogs eventually look like their owners……..that’s unfortunate for your dog
Dad: What is taking him so long to get me that crow bar?
Me: *Applying for a liquor license* Yes I’m serious, it’s just for crows.
I’m really enjoying this drive through the desert. There’s so much to see. Cacti, rocky plateaus, rolling vistas, the occasional coyote on roller skates with a giant magnet on his back, tumbleweeds.
kissing is all fun and games until a boy inhales your skeleton through your mouth & uses it to build a house for some other girl
Let’s all stand up against iron deficiency (but not too fast).
I just heard a lady sitting at the table next to me say, “My burger is confusing.”
That’s it. I’m done with people.
my kid: I’m so hungry, I’ve never been hungrier, I could eat a horse, no wait I could eat a house, I need food right now
me: ok what do you want
my kid: you have to guess
Fake nerd girl: I love Star Wars! I’m a big fan!
True fan: Oh yeah? Harass five cast members. I’ll wait
*tooth fairy arrested for incisor trading*
House Hunters:
“Well I gotta be near the beach. A heliport would be a plus. I need 9 bedrooms, an IMAX theater & a moat. My budget is $314.”
$4 #usedbooks