Starting to think the frog dissection skills I learned in high school are never going to pay off.
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Its really disgusting how other white people dont even know about the plight of [quickly wikipedias “Who is having alot of plight 2012]
What did you think was happening when the #earthquake hit?
Wanna freak people out? Lick your fingertips when you finish pumping gas.
when I have dinner with a vegetarian I order two steaks to use as a bun for my third steak
My son made us all hide then jump out and yell ‘surprise!’ for his birthday. If you guys aren’t planning the same for my birthday on Tuesday, it’s gonna sting
I SHOULDN’T NEED TO BE A GODDAMN COMPUTER SCIENTIST TO SET THE CLOCK ON A COFFEE MAKER!!!
Oh, wait, never mind…I got it.
My friend was bleeding, and the first aid book told me to apply pressure…
..So I told him if he didn’t stop bleeding right away, he’d die
If u luv sumthin set it free
*releases 2yr old into the wild*
Good luck son
*sobbing*
STOP FOLLOWING ME! GO ON,GET OUT OF HERE
*throws rocks
“It’s our third date and you still wear that shirt?”
Honey, this all they have in prison.
Welcome to your 40s: you’re not hungover you’re just awake.
Little Mermaid remake: Ariel falls in love after seeing the tender way Prince Eric holds a fish in his Tinder profile.
if someone decides to use the treadmill right next to you, quietly whisper “oh god, the machine has already chosen its next victim”
🎶 I’m a joker
I’m Al Roker
I’m a forecast broker
Looks like Tuesday there’ll be sun 🎶
People immediately behave better in traffic once they notice the Elf on the Shelf tied to my grille.
How you gonna accidentally send an inbound missile warning to everyone in Hawaii by “pressing the wrong button”? I had to click “are you sure you want to do this”, verify my thumbprint, and solve an algebra equation just to unsubscribe from the Mr. Belvedere fan club newsletter.
Me: Hey, wanna do nothing for Valentine’s this year?
Him: Why break tradition?
When you’re cutting wrapping paper and your scissors start to glide is what I imagine heroin feels like.
[Rappers job interview]
Boss: What is your biggest weakness?
Me: My rhyme game is weak. I can’t speak. I’m a geek. Birds have feathers.
I’m starting to think the guy offering to check for lumps inside his van was not as legit as his cardboard certificate claimed.
I wish there were glasses to protect me from all your blurry eclipse pics.
My timeline is flooded with ads for push up bras. I know I’m out of shape but that’s just mean, Twitter.
When Santa’s helpers take pics of themselves is it called an Elfie?
We value your privacy. We always get top dollar for it.
[at the mall]
Woman: I’ve lost my son. Can you make an announcement for me?
Security: sure what’s his name?
Woman: Xander
Security: yeah see that’s probably why he ran off
[ date ]
her: i have a PhD
zombie: *jaw falls off*
*ties a little bow around insect’s head, presents lovely gift to Canadian entomologist*
Pretty fly for a white guy.
Please. Do not push me into the pool. The pockets of my cargo shorts are filled with packets of Kraft Mac & Cheese powder.
If you think a dragon is going to solve all your problems you’re probably right.
Everyone on this website is always like, “Eat the rich,” but then Carol Baskin feeds her millionaire husband to a tiger and it’s a problem, hypocrites
ME: it’s like a dream come true
UNICORN [speaking German and wearing a purple leotard while smoking a giant cigar]: you better enjoy it pal we had to pull a lot of strings to make this happen