The idiot’s diet is just biting your tongue.
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[god creating sharks]
angel: what is this?
god: *wearing ‘live every week like it’s shark week’ shirt* I just want this to make sense
[Entomologist Meeting]
Guy 1: We found a new, wingless bug. Name ideas?
Guy who named the fly: A crawl?
G 1: Shut your goddamn mouth Todd
Me, writing: I must get the description of this wrought-iron fence that I remember from my childhood exactly right, down to the bumps and bubbles in the many coats of paint., no matter how long it takes.
Me, editing: *deletes three pages of description; inserts “a fence”*
The way my mom slapped the TV remote not only did it start working it gave up its dreams and is studying to become an engineer
Don’t date a Canadian woman unless you’re willing to plow her…..
Driveway when it snows
Doctor: What’s the problem?
Me: Our baby cries all night
Doctor: That’s quite normal
Baby: ALL NIGHT
Doctor: Holy shit
Any refunds available?…
Hey, want to be best friends again?
-6, eyeing the birthday gifts that 4 just opened
When a movie says “Based on a true story.” it means this is sort of what happened but with way uglier people.
Sorry I interrupted your wedding dance with a much much better dance
My first words were, “spank me daddy” because my parents accidentally set up the baby monitors backwards.
There are going to be a lot of drunk mosquitos tonight.
Read It and Weep: A Book on How to Cry
LOIS: look! up in the sky!
JIMMY: it’s a bird! it’s a plane!
BABY: *opens wide*
Rules for rap battling Eminem:
1. Do not let Eminem go first.
2. Do not let Eminem go second.
When someone asks me if I could hold their baby I immediately drop my phone, try to pick it up and drop it again twice, and then say “Sure”.
Welcome to adulthood: you’re not hungover it’s just Tuesday.
I once made a mistake with plurals.
It was an amazing feet.
GOD: I call this Tupperware
SATAN: remember when I let u crash at my place and u said u owed me one
G: yes
S: make the lid a little smaller
[walks into aquarium]
me: hi can I just use your bathroom?
employee: sorry it’s for patrons only
me: ok fine I’ll take four sharks
Someone asked me to go for a walk and all I can think of is why does my dog get so excited when I ask him if he wants to go for walk?
Transcript of Paul Ryan’s life since endorsing Trump
Family: come play dodgeball
Me: nah
Fam: oh come on
Me: no thanks
Fam: JUST PLAY
Me: *nails 6 year old in the face*
Boys will be boys. Girls will be girls. Koalas will be koalas. Just about everything will be the things they are. That’s how this works.
There is no such thing as an antique car. An antique car is a horse.
*In the elevator*
Guy: Good morning ladies. You two going down?
Me: No. We’re just friends
Guy: ….
mob boss: rip his fingernails off
henchman: they’re bitten really short
mob boss: then do his toenails!
henchman: [removing my socks] you’re not gonna believe this
WIFE: would you take a bullet for me?
ME: baby I’d take a bullet for anyone
My resignation letter to HR will be delivered via glitter bomb
who called it carrying your cell phone in your front pocket instead of hot signals in your area