I thought I might be pregnant.
It turns out I’m just three months fat.
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BRONTOSAURUS: Why don’t you wear that sweater I bought you?
T. REX: I don’t think I could pull it off
If there’s a movie about Elon, I want him to be played by Kathy Bates.
[god inventing cows]
angels: why?
god: cheese
angels: *nodding* cheese
FINALS TIP: Create a reward system to help you study. For example, if you spend 1 hour studying, reward yourself with 72 hours of Netflix.
Might buy an ice-cream truck just so that I can drive it around town, playing the jingle, whilst eating the inventory all by myself in plain view of the public.
My daughter is able to take one chocolate cookie and then go about her day not caring that there’s more.
I’m pretty sure she’s a witch.
I could’ve been a doctor. OK, so I don’t have the intelligence or the people skills, but I nailed the shitty handwriting.
“This place couldn’t possibly get any messier!”
TODDLER: “Hold my bear.”
boy: WOLF!
villager: nope, that’s a coyote
boy: *getting attacked by the coyote* please help me
villager: *already walking away* sorry I don’t hear liars
JESUS: *descends from heaven* HELLO-
ME: question
JESUS: I-
ME: do the cars from the movie Cars have sex?
JESUS: *ascends back into heaven*
DRAGON: get AWAY from me
ME: let me pet ur scales pls
DRAGON: I don’t even KNOW u
ME: breathe fire on me
DRAGON: *is creeped out*
Personal trainer: And how much weight are you looking to lose?
Me: *googling weight limit for bouncy castles* Hold on…
Neighbour said, “Stop using our hot tub while we’re not home!” So I only use it at night while they’re sleeping.
Black ice is just like regular ice…
Except it’s a better dancer…
Why on earth would anyone even buy a deathbed?
*hands you baby*
Here’s your Christmas present I got it at the mall but it didn’t come with a gift receipt & people may be looking for it.
Saw a woman on a dating site who says she’s looking for God. I’m thinking she’s not His type.
Manicotti implies the existence of Pedicotti.
Shopping with my 12 y/o daughter and she said she was done with the Christmas music at the stores already.
“You don’t trick-or-treat a week after Halloween. Time to move on, people.”
Not too proud of the sounds I just made when a mouse popped out of a bag I grabbed in the garage.
“It is the east. And Juliet is the sun. Now she an eggplant. Now she a goat. Now she a dog” -Romeo, if Juliet had snapchat
4-year-old: Why do robbers steal money?
Me: So they can buy stuff.
4: Why don’t they just steal the stuff?
She’s a criminal mastermind.
The movie Speed, except this bus driver apparently thinks we’ll blow up if he goes over 15 mph.
therapist: what are you afraid of?
me: nothing
therapist: yes, the void. it will swallow us all
It was the best of times, it was the worst of times, it was the even worster of times, it was the most worster-est ever of times.
Before the “accident” they were Duran Duran Duran
5: Daddy, can we go get ice cream?
Me: I don’t see why not.
5: Mommy said I couldn’t.
M: Hey, there’s the why not.
Me: my boyfriend said that he doesn’t love me anymore
Boyfriend: that’s not what I said! I said that I have to work and I can’t give you attention 24/7
Me: same thing
Cashier: Did you find everything?
Me: Did you hide something?