Watching horror movies has convinced me that answering a phone never ends well for anyone.
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lawyer talking under his breath: “guiltypeoplesaywhat?”
suspect: what?
lawyer: no further questions your honor
Pro: he does community service
Con: it’s court-mandated
[Pharmacy]
Me: I need 50 packets of condoms
Pharmacist: Somebody has a busy weekend!
*I wink*
*cut to me making raincoats for my pet snakes*
[returning from Damascus]
St Paul: “Friends! Let me tell you all about God’s son, Esus”
Voice from the crowd: “Esus? But I thought-“
St Paul: “The letter “J” doesn’t fall into common usage until the 16th century”
St Ohn: “It’s true”
Frozen (2013) A young girl spends years in solitude & must plan her parent’s funeral alone because her sister is secretly one of the X-Men
It’s been four days since I started this rap battle. I’m tired and just want to see my family.
guy inventing constellations: see that square? it’s a fish
Day 16,607:
Still not stuck on a deserted island, and beginning to lose hope
I set my alarm clock 15 minutes fast because I enjoy doing math problems first thing in the morning,
I’ll be buried in a spring-loaded coffin stuffed w/ tons of confetti. In the future some archeologist is gonna have an awesome day at work.
“Your former crush likes this thing”
“Your former crush likes this thing”
“Your former crush likes this thing”
At this point, the only thing longer than 2020 is the story which my 7YO is narrating
[At the ferret store]
I’ll take five of those furry slinkys
My husband ate the rice I cooked for our new puppy and long story short his bags are packed.
Wrong officer, none of these drugs are being carried with the intent to distribute
[HR office]
Do you know why we called you in today?
To give me a pay rise?
No.
Because I googled ‘How to burn down office’ 600 times?
Yes.
I just told my boss that “STFU” stands for “Sincere Thanks For Understanding” and it’s REALLY important that none of you tell him otherwise
Say “excrement” instead of “excellent”. Nobody will notice because people really don’t listen for shit.
Cricket: what am I?
God: a bug
Cricket: *flutters wings* do I fly?
God: you sorta jump big
Cricket: *sees bird* is that a bug?
God: nah buddy that’s a bird
Bird: *chirps*
Cricket: *chirps*
God: no stop that
*demon enters my body
*20 minutes later, demon calls an exorcist
My six year old picked up a sweet potato fry and said, “Oh, I am going to eat these fries because I like all kinds of fries, even these disgusting ones!”
Me: Let’s get a library card.
Her: It’s too expensive.
M: They’re FREE, dummy.
[1 year later]
*receives bill for $190 in late fees*
My wife asked me, “How do I look?”
I said, “With your eyes.”
I almost lost mine.
Apparently speed dating doesn’t involve taking amphetamines. UGH.
Worst night ever.
Remember when a blue moon was a rare and romantic thing, and now it’s probably something terrible on Urban Dictionary?
count dracula: at last i’ve got you wolf man
wolf man: at last i’ve got you dracula
*dracula turns into a bat*
*wolf man turns into a wolf*
godzilla: weird flex, but ok
*eats them both*
Read my skeleton’s diary today. Anyone know what “loathsome flesh blanket” means?
My husband and I called my sweet, 85-year-old grandma to tell her I got a new job.
She congratulated us, talked for a bit, and then hung up.
Later she called me to say I should open a secret bank account and never tell my husband about it.
My grandma is fierce.
Nobody:
Absolutely nobody:
Me: If I was The Invisible Man, my pronouns would be who/where
Scientist: we’re approaching a critical mass
Assistant: should we be wearing protection from the blast?
Mass: you look fat in that lab coat and no one likes you
Scientist: too late