Me *plans an elaborate family vacation and packs nearly everything for the entire family*
“Honey, can you just pack your toiletries?”Him (35,000 feet in the air): “Hotels give you deodorant right?”
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Mechanic: Your car won’t pass inspection
Me: Here’s $20 to look the other way
Mechanic [looking other way]: Your car won’t pass inspection
no thanks rational thinking your ship has sailed
Jesus: man shall not live by bread alone
Me: *mouthful of cheese* halleluryurrr
do you guys realize there’s a planet in our solar system entirely inhabited by robots
Her: Undress me with your words…
Me: I saw a spider in your bra.
The lid on our bottle of glitter is not childproof. I know this now.
Cheaper than online shopping and less horrible than online dating.
Twitter.
Ladies, if a guy tells you “Leggings aren’t pants,” tell him “You’re welcome.”
A child’s purpose is to help their parents relearn the states and capitals.
[training the new person at work]
Them: so you do this everyday?
Me, hiding in the toilet for the 6th time: yes
Elton John: Mars ain’t the kinda place to raise your kids…
Neil Degrasse Tyson: [peers over newspaper]
Elton John: in fact it’s cold as hell
Neil Degrasse Tyson: [nods, goes back to reading]
me: do you guys still give lollipops after sticking in the needle?
drug dealer: what?
During lockdown our toddler went through a no clothing stage and we taught her to introduce herself to people by saying “Hi. I’m a nudist.” Now that lockdown is over and she’s actually meeting people I can’t decide if this was a very good or a very bad idea
Finally watched Pulp Fiction with my kid, but fast forwarded thru the parts she’s not ready for… best 27 seconds we’ve spent together recently.
Me: people who betray you need to know that they make us incapable of trusting again
My mum: it was one mango that was bad of the lot! Just let the vendor go!
Sydney actually has a lot of cool bars it’s just that to find them you have to walk into random shops and lean on shit like a Scooby Doo character until you find the secret passage.
If you walk through the store with a dried boogie on your nose people end conversations quicker
“Why are you wearing?” – existentialist reporter on the red carpet
[police lineup]
Cop: step forward and say ‘boing boing’
Suspect 1: boing boing
Suspect 2: boing boing
Desk lamp: boing boing
Wife of Pixar’s letter i: that’s the one. He killed my husband
When I tell prospective employers that I’m open to new challenges what I mean is I will immediately find ways to hide in plain sight, arrive late and leave early.
Making crop circles IS a full time job, Troy. No one gets funding to study aliens if there are no aliens to study. Duh.
I hate when people say “you always want what you don’t have” like that’s really insightful and not just explaining the definition of “want.”
Him: how do want your coffee?
Me: like my soul
Him: *hands me an empty mug*
Me: touché
Why is called an “extraction” and not an “amputeeth”?
God [creating winter precipitation]: Make it white, sparkly, quiet and serene.
Angel: It’ll be beautiful. They’ll love it.
God: Hmm. Make it slick and dangerous too. I don’t want to spoil them.
Getting up very early in the morning is a dawn thing task
A woman on the elevator just told me I have a very nice speaking voice and should do something with it.
Like, uh… talk?
Like that whole spinach in the teeth thing, I never know if it’s polite to tell a lizard person when they have a little tear in their human suit.
If your trust issues began with a sugar cookies tin full of sewing supplies you’re my people.