Not enough drugs in the world that would make me strip in front of a webcam. But a bottle of wine should do it.
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me: 867-5309… and this is your REAL phone number?
her: yeah, sure
I hope google does well on my son’s test
me making someone eat a chip with my mind
A couple approaches on the beach. He calls her “Allison.” I write, “Marry me, Allison,” in the sand and hide. And now we wait.
Cutting toxic people out of my life. No more “friends” covered in hydrofluoric acid who think it’s “cool” to eat lead
If I worked in a tollbooth, every time someone asked me how my day was going I’d say “IT’S REALLY TAKING A TOLL” and then laugh maniacally.
My family went camping & left me home alone, like I’d be missing out.
Oh please, don’t leave me home with electricity & running water.
A zendetta is when you launch a blood feud against a killer who murdered your entire family, but remain pretty chill about the whole thing.
I was sitting there getting my hair cut, when a spider ran across the floor.
And that’s how you accidentally get bangs.
When you’re firing off drunk texts & you see the 3 dots
People fear what they don’t understand:
Change
Death
4th grade math word problems
Pro Tip:
If you leave an assortment of tissues, cold medicine, and a big bag of cough drops visible on your desk, coworkers will avoid you!
Called my boss this morning and asked if I can come a little later in to work.
He replied with: “Dream on!”
That’s very nice of him, right?
#RubbishJokes #FridayMorning
i know what will make the other reindeer like rudolph more – a surprise promotion from the boss on the biggest night of the year
The fact that there’s gonna be a Joker 2 just means Batman isn’t doing his god damn job
Person on another social media site described themselves as an “unobservant atheist” and I had to sit down in my rocker and let my addled brain try to puzzle that one out.
Anybody looking for skeletons for Halloween decorations, there’s still a few complete ones in my yard.
If you run out of milk for your coffee just use cheese. Dairy is dairy. Stop making me solve all of your problems
Pushed a 15 year old dog in a stroller and not once did she ask for Cheerios or a juice box.
Love is always patient and kind.
BARTENDER: how do you take it?
ME: personally
Wow, wife was pissed when she found out I donated her sweater to Goodwill, but not as mad as she would have been if she’d found out I shrunk it in the dryer.
I’m voting for Bernie Sanders based all on the fact that His fried chicken rules
In the old days if you wanted to hit snooze you had to shoot the rooster with a tranq dart that lasted exactly 9 minutes
Whenever I’m facing a moral dilemma, I think of the advice my father gave me.
“Never leave a paper trail,” he’d say, tapping the glass partition between us for emphasis.
The eighties were great except for all the spinning right ‘round like a record.
[loud fighting downstairs]
Me: What’s this about?
10-year-old: Nothing.
Me: You have to be fighting over something.
10: We really don’t.
If Snickers really wanted to satisfy me, it’d be like 8 inches long
Doesn’t everyone lie on a first date and say they love the outdoors just like they lie in an interview and say they’re proficient at Excel?