Person 1: hey did you go see the new Holy Infant?
Person 2: I did
Person 1: what’s he like?
Person 2: so tender and mild
Person 1: what
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Oddly enough, ever since downloading
AdBlock onto my computer …..all the local girls in my area
seem to have lost interest.
Niece: *screeching like a Valkyrie*
Me: *wasted, drunk-whispering which is just yelling*
Dad: *lecturing someone*
Sister: *bickering with husband*
FAMILY FEUD Host: THIS ISN’T HOW THIS WORKS!
Me: *throat-punches him*
Adam: are you naked?
Eve: yeah I don’t give a fig
[arrives at party]
ME: This was a good idea.
*30 seconds later*
MY WILL TO LIVE: I’m gonna go wait in the car.
I hate it when you’re about to sacrifice a baby, and you notice one of the other satanists is wearing the same robes.
I cried because my Wi-Fi was slow until I saw a guy stuck talking with his kids because he had no internet at all.
Grandma lied about girls being all over me once I got older
I found out why my computer keeps freezing. Apparently I’ve got too many windows open.
Took the batteries out of the smoke detector to use in my remote cause I would rather die in a fire than have to get up & change the channel
Future said “I wake up on a daily basis” so he other does so much drugs that that’s an accomplishment or he doesnt know thats what people do
“Let me slip into something more comfortable”, I say with a wink then come back in twice as much clothing as before
The only thing worse than sitting down on a cold toilet seat is sitting down on a warm toilet seat.
The urge to throw a coconut at someone.
My uncle started shouting at me about my “misuse” of emoticons and had a heart attack 😉
[1994]
*rewinds tape with a pencil*[2016]
*gets angry when I accidentally close the music app*
My 7-year-old asked if people still need to go to the dentist in Heaven so I told her the truth, dentists don’t go to Heaven.
*experiencing the extremely obvious consequences of my actions*
The universe is so mysterious
He died doing what he loved
Making toast in the shower
Most dead bodies are found by dog walkers or joggers.
Working theory: Dog walkers and joggers are serial killers.
Not to brag but growing up my boys thought a unanimous decision meant whatever mom wants.
My 4yo is trying to sell my own M&M’s back to me. This guy’s going places.
Me: Can you call my phone so I can find it?
Teen: UUGGHH. Can’t I just text you?
Narrator: She found her phone. After 387 text messages.
Just caught my cat stealing my bank card off the table and now I regret telling him all my pin numbers ‘just in case’
When you’s said addicted to apple products, my mind was thinking shampoo and conditioner not electronics.
“My grammar is terrible,” I said untruthfully, as I lied on the bed.
My kids pissed me off so much I bought some overalls to wear every day in public when they’re with me.
“Daddy I lost my popsicle” and other terrifying things my kids say.
Me: I’ll take $1,600, Alex.
Alex Trebek: In which category?
Me: No question. I just need $1,600.