Sent an email to my Mom. Now I’m at her place showing her how to open it.
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Me: It’s a beautiful night
Him: What?
Me: It’s a BEAUTIFUL night
Him: What?
Me: *opens trunk* I SAID, IT’S A BEAUTIFUL NIGHT!
Ok, but like, how married are you?
Zoo security guy: We know you’ve stolen a parrot. Hand it over.
Me: Why would you accuse me? Is it because I’m brown??
From inside my jacket: Is it because I’m brown??
my child dressed himself up as a police car. no not a police officer, a police car
“Do what you love and you’ll never work a day in your life”
Ok Brenda but watching Netflix and eating Nutella straight out the jar isn’t gonna pay my bills is it?
A car almost ran into me and I screamed “WOAHHHHHH THERE BUCKAROO”
I could have died and those would have been my last words
I show dominance by calling out her name from outside her window while she’s having sex.
A large group of other people’s children is called a “nope”
Popeye teaches us that the best reason to eat healthy is revenge. #CartoonLifeLessons
As a young Catholic, you learn saints’ feast days don’t involve feasting. As an adult Catholic, you realize it doesn’t have to be that way.
I bet to vampires we all just look like giant Capri Suns.
*shipwrecked diary*
Day 1: alone, doing well. Mentally sound. Met a crab
Day 2: I have married the crab.
Day 3: I have eaten my wife.
It’s getting disrespectful how long it takes for me to scroll to my birth year
*watches neighbor sprint outside in his underwear chasing the garbage truck after I rolled his trash can back to his house last night*
Take it from me
Yellow crayons are no substitute for cheese
“Did you get that thing done I asked you for?”
I should’ve peed first
– my headstone
me: if dracula bit jesus would he get drunk
priest: i’m going to have to check with the vatican and get back to you
*ball flies past
15 love
-aw thanks
*ball flies past
30 love
-too kind
*ball flies past
40 love
-you too babe
Have you played tennis before?
My superpower is scattering dogs by singing at them.
if you want to follow me on mastodon it’s really easy, my gimble is chingus. Just type in bibbo into your gumblebox and then when the window pops up select your garpos and dangles and you’re halfway there. It only takes a second.
Mom’s car ran out of coolant and now it’s driving like a humongous nerd.
throwin a party tonight
goths $5
furries $5raccoons $10 since y’all wanna be both
Hey so remember when Malfoy was a jerk in year 1 and Harry got snarky right back and they became Instant Enemies? Well what if Harry had just been like “come on, man, let’s all be friends” and all the Houses were united and super chill
Hi, my name’s Ray. I’ll be drawing your blood today as soon as I finish this Capri Sun.
*misses hole 4 times then punches straw through bag*
Holy shit you guys. Twitter works outside too.
Worst part of being an idiot is always forgetting it. If I was a smart person, I’d remember I was an idiot from the start and plan around it
[cranking up the heat on my slow cooker]
Me: *whispers* slow cook it faster
I don’t usually accept blood pressure medication as payment but these old dudes are desperate and I’m sober.
If Amazon boxes become the currency of the post-apocalyptic world my family will be rich.