Is it physically possible to be sad in rollerskates? Cause I think my cat’s just being dramatic.
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Interviewer: Why should we hire you at the Rock and Roll Hall of Fame?
Geologist in a wheelchair: Isn’t it obvious?
I have so much to offer this world but I am so far behind on my shows.
Waking up with morning wood is one thing, but waking with Elijah Wood is just creepy.
I calmed down once I stared into his beautiful eyes.
Memoirs of a Fish Stick
Wife: Want to have morning sex?
Me: For real?
Wife: Yes.
Me: Is this a trick?
Wife: No it’s not a trick.
Me: It feels like a trick.
Wife: IT’S NOT A TRICK.
Me: Did you do something you need to apologize for?
Wife: What?! No.
Me: Okay, then!
Wife: Now I’m not in the mood.
i respect snow plows bc their whole job is to take a giant mess and push it to the side for someone else to deal w later
if the benadryl doesn’t work use the back of a shovel
[Zoom call]
Boss: What do you think?
Me: [going to the bathroom]
Boss: Can you hear me?
Me: [getting another beer]
Boss: I think he’s on mute.
Me: [getting chips]
Boss: Hello?
Me: sorry I was on mute
the Itsy Bitsy Spider is my favourite kids song about absolutely refusing to learn your lesson
assistant: sir, profits have decreased by 50%
shrink ray company CEO: excellent
if you count cows instead of sheep to try and fall asleep it’s probably pasture bedtime (i’m so sorry)
Cop: Have you been drinking sir?
Me: Medium Double Quarter Pounder meal please.
Cop: Step out of the vehicle.
Me: Sprite.
can’t wait to fulfill my lifelong dream of going to japan and buying a samurai sword out of a vending machine
When my ex worked out of town, he would take my vibrators away from me. Said I was cheating on him w/them. He shoulda taken his brother too.
People that use abbreviations like ppl, wyd, hmu, and idk – what do you do with all that time you saved?
Not all crimes are bad. For example: If there was a crow sized hole in a bank vault & a crow decided to sneak into the vault to bring me a shiny coin, every day, for years… This would be good actually.
Date: I’m pretty easygoing, you?
Me: *regularly gets stressed out doing captcha tests bc I don’t know if bushes count as trees* Definitely.
The real walk of shame is when you take all the cups and plates you’ve been hoarding in your room down to the kitchen.
Got McDonald’s today and when I was handed my soda the cup inexplicably cracked and spilled all over me so sometimes I really wonder if my ancestors offended a witch.
My issue with Jeopardy is that you never get the sense that the contestants are in any real danger
It wasn’t no corona till y’all started balancing brooms in the house, y’all let the devil in
{Me as a therapist}
HIM: Women don’t like me.
ME: Have you tried becoming a dress with pockets?
I just got a robot vacuum. I think I’m going to put a bag of goldfish on top and let it take care of my daughter from now on
I wish I’d worked to learn another language. Only so I’d be more believable when I use language barriers as an excuse to not talk to people
[Restaurant]
Waiter: Compliments of the chef.
*He opens silver platter and post-it notes with the words ‘You’re beautiful’ pour out*
STEVE: you misspelled my name
ME: Oh uh it’s a joke
LATER, TO STOVE: I’ll make you another cake when he leaves
22 year old me after a night of drinking: “I hope I didn’t do anything stupid.”
29 year old me: “I hope I didn’t agree to go on a hike.”
AND ANOTHER THING, is a person in a casket a hot dog, sandwich or ravioli?
10-year-old: What’s it like to be old?
Me: I don’t know. I’m still young and spry.
10: What’s it like to live in denial?
[Murderer breaks into my house]
Murderer: “Alexa, play sinister music.”