If Twitter really wants to make money, they should let us pay to reduce someone else’s character limit. And take away their vowels.
FamousJerk: Wh t’s h pp n n g??
FamousJerk: H w t f x th s?
FamousJerk: H lp m l n!
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My toddler taught himself how to pause and play shows on Netflix completely rendering me nonessential.
The last time I was 100% sure about a decision was in 3rd grade, and that box of 64 crayons with the built in sharpener didn’t disappoint.
You should be tunashamed of yourself!
Me: Alexa, make me a drink.
Her: Mom, that’s not my name and I think you’ve had enough.
I fold my laundry just like everyone else. About 3 weeks after the dryer buzzes.
“your sock has a hole in it” yeah no shit that’s how i get my foot in there linda
ME: I have a few openings today and can probably squeeze you in
PROCTOLOGIST BOSS: haha nice
ME: what
PROCTOLOGIST BOSS: ugh nothing
By the age of 30 you should have a collection of grocery bags that you store in a grocery bag.
Apparently telling the cop during my sobriety test, it’s not how many times you fall, but how many times you get up was not the best answer.
The human body is 70% water and 30% land
It’s so unsettling meeting a baby with a grown man’s name. No I don’t want to hold Keith but can he look over my investment portfolio for me
When someone talks about fallen arches I never think of feet.
I assume they’re referring to the decline of the Roman Empire or a freak accident at the local McDonald’s.
My kids broke the TV, tried to cover it up, owned up to it together, and are now inseparable. Apparently all it takes for them to get along is being co-conspirators in a cover-up operation.
My almost 2 y/o can now open our pantry door and that MF’er won’t stop bringing me cans of soup.
Ad: Buy junk food.
Me: OK.Ad: Buy alcohol.
Me: OK.Ad: Work out.
Me: Don’t tell me what to do.
An apple a day will keep anyone away if you throw it hard enough
No thanks, Genie. I’m not falling for the old “rub the magic lamp” trick again.
Just saw a grasshopper jump on cement.
THEY’RE EVOLVING.
MY MOM: [handing me my hulk hands] Good luck on your date tonight.
Then:
Me: I want McDonald’sMom: Do you have McDonald’s money?
Now:
Mom: I want grandkidsMe: Do you have grandkids money??
ME: Boy, the upstairs neighbors are sure noisy tonight.
WIFE: Y— wait. We live on the top floor.
ME: *remembering my promise to the brotherhood of dancing chimney sweeps* Boy, sure is windy, is what I meant to say.
Every time we go out as a family, my wife spends half the time yelling “What did we talk about before we left home?” She even says it to the kids.
doctor: you’re going to di-
me: disney?
doctor: no
ME: I wish I could fix this problem
SOLUTION TO MY PROBLEM: Hey there-
ME: [avoiding eye contact] If only there was a way…
If I like you I keep you close, if not I keep you at a distance so I can mime squishing your head between my thumb and forefinger.
How does the fire know to exit at those specific doors?
Gramma: When I was your age, a candy bar was a nickel
Me: That sounds really hard to swallow
I really love how squirrels get extra chubby heading into winter mostly because it’s super relatable
just a reminder that when Shakespeare was in quarantine for the plague, he wrote the lyrics to “thong song”
You’ll never convince me people eat raisins for any other reason than by accident.