MOM: sleep tight, don’t let the bedbugs bite 🙂
KID: ok[later]
BEDBUG: arrgh I can’t bite him
OTHER BEDBUG: curses, he is sleeping too tightly
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I let that asshole into traffic and he can’t even oh look he’s waving we’re friends now.
You can’t outrun your problems…
You (drinking coffee): Drugs are bad
Me (smugly injecting heroin): Actually, coffee is a drug
Send a DM to your twitter crush saying “My flight gets in at 6am on Thursday” and see how they react.
me: I carry a lot of stress right here
masseuse: this is a brain scan
[11 has been working on his homework for 1 hour]
11: Guess what, there are only 3 people in the U.S. with my exact name.
Me: What class is this for?
11: I haven’t started yet.
printer: replace cyan ink cartridge
me: why? It’s a black and white document
printer: need cyan to print it
me: why?
printer: cyan
me: wow the stars are beautiful
gf: omg babe they really are
me: u know who else is beautiful?
gf: *blushes* who? :3
me: Harambe
*at the movie theater* umm ok the hackers also said theyd do a terror unless u giv me unlimited free popcorn and uh.. also that guys popcorn
Has anyone else noticed when time travelers grab you buy your shoulders and ask what year it is and you tell them, they don’t reply, “then I’m not too late” anymore?
That’s kind of worrying.
Me: *writhing sexily* So, you hot and bothered yet?
Wife: I’m definitely bothered
*trying to explain to the dog why we aren’t keeping the 3 foot traffic cone he found* listen babe I know you’re colorblind so this is a little hard to understand, but it matches literally nothing in the house. you’re going to obliterate the vibe.
Like sure, yes. Encouraging independent play is good for a kid’s development but like…these people sound like they just want to leave their babies in the wilderness for the wolves to raise
[looking for our lost son in the mall]
ME: we should split up and find him
WIFE: *serves me with divorce papers*
I accidentally put my yoga pants on backwards this morning; and I’m absolutely horrified to say, they’ve never fit better.
Thinking about how dinosaurs ruled the world for nearly 180 million years and then out of nowhere some giant space rock was like okay it’s mammal time
One time in 1997 I forgot to close my air quotes so everything I’ve said since then has been sarcastic
Because of aquariums I thought I loved marine biology but it turns out I just really like the idea of fish prison.
Real friends send everyone different addresses for your intervention.
A relationship so stable you can buy concert tickets 4 months in advance >>
5: I’ve only got one shoe
Me: you need to find the other one
5: I found it!
Me: that was quick, where was it
5: on my foot!
Me: that’s the one you already had on
5: oh
He died doing what he did best, trying to get a croc to wear a Croc.
Boss: “I want it on my desk by 9 on Monday”
Me: “Say no more”
[Monday]
Boss: “Where’s my report?”
Me: “Shhh”
“I’ve made my point.” -good worker at a pencil factory
any doctors here? am I allowed to get a wax during my epidural? it’s genius and there’s a ton of time to kill anyhow
Her: Couldn’t you have picked a better record to beat?
Me: *covered in 13,000 bees* There’s no way this can end badly, Susan.
Today, my 3 year-old yelled at me because I forgot to close the fridge, then reminded me to turn off the kitchen light.
He just needs to fall asleep during a movie and his transformation into me would be complete.
Why is my body letting me get a cold?
I gave it an orange only last week….
Why do people have guest books at their houses? Your game night is not a destination, Brenda.
[product pitch meeting]
BOSS: ok what have you come up with
ME: a turbo walker for seniors
BOSS: but how would their legs even keep up
ME [proudly]: with these roller skates