*fakes own death*
*attends own funeral in disguise*
*takes attendance*
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Can’t sleep because I keep finding exciting opportunities to get pissed off.
Someone just quote tweeted me to call me pretentious, but they misspelled it. I’d correct them but…
Just went to get coffee in the break room and the pot was empty. So now, I have to wait for someone else make another pot. Such bullshit.
Me: my imposter syndrome is pretty bad. I feel like I don’t deserve to be here, I’m not good enough
Satan: what
here is what. i plan to accomplish today:
2. bark loudly. but at nothing
7. lose my ball under the couch
7b. politely ask the human. to get my ball
3. immediately lose it again. under the same couch
4. big nap. you have worked hard
2. repeat
The Hurricane came through here like a tornado
-Lady on the News just now
I don’t want to live on this planet anymore
BREAKING NEWS
Literally to be eliminated from the English language in 2015
Use it while you can, white girls
But what is Congress going to do about the fact that I made too much pasta last night 😡
[dog training]
Me: *hand out* Paw….paw…
Dog: *sits there*
Me: What’s wrong, boy?
Dog: *hands me Purell*
#FF @funTweeters. Killing me wonly!
God: “MOSES. THIS IS THE LORD. I HAVE NEWS FOR YOUR PEOPLE.”
Moses: “New burning bush. Who dis?”
You found poison in his stomach? But he HATED poison!
I took husb, an English man with an active interest in medieval history, to a ren faire once. I asked if he would dress up and he put on a t shirt with a sheep on it, and told me he was dressed as “the economic powerhouse of medieval Europe.”
Men go to bars for 2 reasons:
1) They don’t have a wife to go home to.
2) They have a wife to go home to.
This cheeseburger fits perfectly into my purse if I leave my wallet out
While you guys were wasting your time talking about politics I got banned from the Yahoo Answers ‘Horse’ section
Whenever I mess up an experiment I just think of what a pigeon considers a successful nest
Customer: We are never coming back!
Me: Promise?
I’m so used to sleeping on my right side that if I switch to my left, my insides feel like a room full of furniture trying to violently escape a haunted house.
My parents are just back from Little Women. My mam absolutely loved it but my dad isn’t happy because there was a Waterford Crystal bowl in the background of a scene and Waterford Crystal wasn’t around back then and therefore, the movie is no good.
I got plans this weekend. Release the sundresses!!!!
*finds $20 in the dryer*
*adds money launderer to my resumé*
“Welcome to the Association Against Acronyms & Abbreviations, your office is this way…”
– “We should call it AAAA!”
“You’re fired.”
My neck, my back. My pizza and my snacks.
Phones can’t detect my thumbprint. My career as a cat burglar is about to take off.
Welcome to parenting. None of the pencils in your house have erasers on them now.
My boyfriend is so rude. He hasn’t even introduced himself to me yet.
Argue with me at your own risk. I have cutting comebacks a week later when I’m in the shower.
Me: when can I start trusting news on social media again?
Them: April fools ends midday
Me: April fools?
A guy asked me out!
Well, a guy asked me if I was going to be the same place he is.FINE, my boss called to see if I was coming to work.