*sees 2% milk in your fridge* wow how’d you get such a low interest rate on your milk?
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Therapist: How are you feeling?
Me: Rage
Therapist: What is bringing you rage?
Me: My kids, my husband, the sound the refrigerator makes, the endless laundry, zoom calls and the debilitating fear of contracting Covid-19. Oh and I miss Starbucks and the outside world.
Cough drops are perfect for when you want the cough you’ve had for three days to stop for 60 seconds and then come right back.
Sorry we’re late, my kid thought he couldn’t go to school with hiccups
The 5 second rule doesn’t apply when you drop the last m&m in the bag. If it takes an hour to find it, so be it.
Him: I’m really into clean eating.
Me: [trying to impress] I almost never eat food I’ve dropped on the floor.
My father was so strict that when he raised his voice, even the neighbors brushed their teeth and went to bed.
Shout out to Marco Polo for inventing finding people
It is truly easier to forgive your enemies than figure out how to limit their access to your facebook page.
Gemini: I pretty much know everything
Cancer: so how are u feeling right now
Gemini: not that
I’m not a very religious person…until it’s 94 degrees and the power goes out.
At that point I pray to every god, savior and deity from that “COEXIST” bumper sticker.
If I lost a leg in an accident the worst part would be never being able to flush a public toilet again
*skinny dips into black hole
*gets coronavirus* but that’s impossible i have toilet paper
Don’t look at me like you’ve never eaten a turkey leg in the shower
The guy who answered my call ended it with “Bye, I love you” then immediately called back to apologize.
I told him too late, he’s my boyfriend now.
“How deep should we make the shelves in this shower wall?”
“Hmm.. deep enough to hold the shampoo, but shallow enough so that a rogue current of air could send the contents of the shelf plummeting onto the person’s toes while they shower.”
“Perfect.”
I’m so hungry I’d eat a vegan.
I can do 50-100 pushups depending on how many weeks you give me.
Me: It’s sweet how my cat sits on my chest to comfort me when I’m sick in bed.
Cat: I think I’ll eat the eyes first.
Coachella was invented in 1999 when someone accidentally planted a headband in the desert
I’ve always been such a “waiting for the other shoe to drop” type of girl.
I’ve decided I’m now going to be the “throw the shoe at your head and run first” kind of girl.
trying to convince my straight friends it’s homophobic to not buy gay people presents during pride month
calling a guy “my ex”
-not true
-but makes it seem like he was my boyfriendcalling a guy “someone i only slept w 4 times over the course of three weeks but spent 6 months crying over”
-true
-but makes me look pathetic
One thing that bothers me about vampire novels is that vampires are essentially just very old people. They should act like it.
I want to see a sexy vampire who looks like they’re in their 20’s go on a rant about Woodrow Wilson while chewing hard candies.
After significant research, I can confirm that toddlers will not go away if you ignore them.
[surgeon in the recovery room] in addition to the hernia we also found $20 in change
[me who’s always been a good tipper] you’re welcome
“Dad, what’s a coworker?”
“Someone you block on social media.”
If you pencil in your eyebrows just right, coworkers will not attempt to talk to you
*Puts on angry eyebrows*
I just got ripped to shreds by an extremely old man. I got on the elevator from the basement of my building and he got on too. I said “going up?” And he said “certainly. Can’t go down from here” old man I was trying to be polite why you gotta clown me like that
ME: *doing crossword* What’s another word for upside-down?
WIFE: Inverted?
ME: No, in English Sharon.