Sometimes even letting your kids watch age-appropriate shows is a big mistake. Showed my kids The Flintstones, and my youngest asked what it was like living with a dinosaur. My 5-year-old pointed at the Flintmobile and said, “is that why your feet look like that?”
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[at dinner party]
Me: Excuse me, a bit of an announcement.. Jenny and I are expecting a kid. She is 4 months pregnant.
Vegan: I’m vegan
Me: I hate it when I realize I’ve made a bad decision, but I’m too far in to turn back.
Bartender: One more then?
Me: Yep
*a horse, dog and penguin walk into a bar
Bartender: Seriously, why are we even paying the bouncer?
Taco Bell is no longer going to be offering kids meals. Probably because kids are rarely drunk enough to want Taco Bell.
Me: I wonder why you only oversleep when you have school!
My kid: Mumma that’s because on other days it’s just called sleep.
I only wear dresses on sad occasions, like funerals and weddings.
Seriously how ugly was Little Red Riding Hood’s grandma?
I can tell exactly how much someone weighs by how much noise they make when I push them down the stairs.
At the aquarium, I hide my hands in my pockets so the Hammerheads don’t see my nails.
[ walking down the soap and detergent isle at the store ]
14: it smells like chores in here
Not doing anything with my life is surprisingly time consuming
When you have bad handwriting, notes to yourself are just fun little mysteries you get to solve later on.
Me, as a surgeon: Nurse, give me 50 CCs of the thing from the thing. Stat.
Nurse: The what?
Me: Just do it, ok.
wife: im pregnant
me: what? im not ready to be a mother we still have petty arguments
wife: im the mother
me: this is what I’m talking about
that’s exactly what a haunted chair WOULD say
If I just had a baby and was sitting in a donkey stable in the middle of winter and a little boy started drumming right in my sleeping infant’s face, I would have totally lost my shit.
WIFE: Did you take care of that thing I asked you to do?
ME: No.
WIFE: I’ve asked you at least 10 times.
ME: I’ll get it done this afternoon.
WIFE: You better.
ME (terrified): [has no idea what she asked me to do.]
Honk if you are flying south for the winter in a V formation.
Me: Then the robber came through the door holding a gun
Cop: Was it a revolver?
Me: No he just pushed it open and walked through like normal
“So, is there a MRS. A-Z?” – Lady hitting on Jason Mraz
#1: Too many people still answer the phone like they don’t know who’s calling.
*unfurls blueprint*
Ok here’s how I’m gonna make tonight about me.
You have tattoos and curves?
*unbuttons pants*
You’re also batshit crazy?
*takes off pants*
You listen to Paramore?
*puts on clothes*
Doctor: how do you stay active?
Me: I just jiggle the mouse every 5min
11:30pm is the time each night when I ask myself the ancient question of the universe: what if I just ate everything
God..how many exercise videos do you have to buy before you get some results
*at a restaurant*
Don’t be awkward, don’t be awkward
Waitress: how’s the food?
Me: yes
People who carry their dogs around,
You know they can walk, right? Theyre real good at it. It’s like one of the top known things about dogs
[laying in bed at 2am]
ME: hey siri do they still make grape nuts
SIRI: jesus christ go to sleep
A dumpster is a sacred place. I am a bear.