me when I get my period: why am I eating & crying so much? is my depression worsening? What if im dying??? Omg im dying this is how I die. I die soon.
me later that night: dude ur not dying this is literally what ur period is. every single time.
*next period*
why am I eating & cr
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I sign all anniversary cards with ‘Way to commit to the bit!’
I can’t find my toddler.
I can’t find the duct tape.
I’ve got a bad feeling about this.
*goes in for first kiss*
*stops*
Before this goes any further, I need to understand your position on naming our kids after water Pokèmon
When I die I want my skeleton turned into a xylophone. Just like the good ol’ days.
Halloween combines my 3 least favorite things: Answering the door, giving away food and children.
Apparently coming to the Easter egg hunt dressed like the playboy bunny was not appropriate.
On a packed bus googling “how to tell the person sitting next to you that you love them”
It’s so cute when my kids grew up and moved out
*first time in a long time at the dentist*
Dentist: don’t worry this isn’t going to be as bad as you think.
Me:
Dentists: whoops never mind we have to take out all your teeth.
People who say they are “comfortable in their own skin,” scare me because I wonder how they know what it’s like to wear someone else’s skin
me: ..but is it peri-NE-um or per-IN-eum?
priest: for the third time, confession does not need to be this specific
Vegans think they will live longer than us, but they don’t realize they are 100 times more likely to be murdered mid conversation.
[therapy session]
THERAPIST: ok…I totally respect your feelings & you sound genuine…but that was just the plot of Jurassic Park
ME: nuh uh
I switched to watching horror movies, because literally anything is less scary.
Father, pardon, excuse, exonerate, absolve, acquit, forgive me, for I have synonymed.
mountain lion attacks are on the rise. especially in california. be prepared!
*chad kroeger walks through metal detector at airport*
TSA agent: I’ve never seen this low of a reading
Twitter keeps throwing in “in case you missed it” on my timeline…. I’ve been on twitter for the last 16 hours, I didnt miss it.
#MeanwhileinCanada
My daughter’s main food groups are pancakes, watermelon, cheese, and her mother’s patience.
Paranormal Activity would be more unsettling if the room started messy and the ghost cleaned it
“you don’t text back” i know, stop texting me
My husband wants me to seek help with my substance abuse problem. I even caught him throwing away my latest Bath & Body Works coupons.
Impress your date. Be wild. Flip the table. Flip it 360 so its upright again & nothing has moved except a roll that has flown into her mouth
My son doesn’t always throw up, but when he does, he’s already in bed.
I don’t know if I’m dumb or my dog just super smart, she manages to trick me every time, thinking she needs to go outside, but then she stops at the treat cupboard and refuses to go any further until I give her the goods!
Queen: Mirror, mirror on the wall…
Mirror: Not exactly ON the wall
King: I said I’d do it at the weekend. Get off my back, Sandra
waiter: bread for the table?
me: ok fair swap (walks away with basket of bread)
[Applebee’s Manager Application]
1. Are you a good people leader
2. Can you manage a P&L
3. Are you willing to fistfight the Chili’s Manager