Though he came from a long line of spoons, Sammy Spork always noticed a slight resemblance to Mom’s friend Frank, the fork living next door.
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I said we supposed to be saving our money.
we’re a divided nation, conflicting on class, ideology, creed, and yet there is one thing we can come all together on, no matter what: younger brothers play Luigi
You can’t hurt me. You’re not a disappointing sandwich.
I wish I was as committed to anything the way infomercial actors are committed to over dramatizing their reaction to household chores.
Hipsters probly don’t eat carrots since they lose interest in things when there not underground anymore.
Black Eyed Peas: Whatcha gonna do with all that junk, all that junk inside your trunk?
Me: I’m gonna leave it there indefinitely but then act all embarrassed and say “my car is not usually a mess” when people get in it.
Your honor, if you watch the tape in reverse you can clearly see the officer planting the evidence in my vehicle.
There’s a mom at the school pickup with a shirt that says “I don’t always whoomp, but when I do, there it is.” I think I love her
THERAPIST: you’re always trying to make other people happy. You should focus on doing that for yourself too.
ME:
THERAPIST: ok?
Me: would that make you happy?
My daughter just called it the “Heimlich Remover” and I’m choking with laughter.
There’s never a good place to clip your toenails at the library.
Coward (adv.): in the direction of the cows
[two women sunbathing in garden]
“It’s so nice out here”
“Where’s that creepy guy who lives next door?”
HEDGE “He’s away for the weekend”
“We’ll see” is Parentese for “No.”
Cap’n Crunch and Count Chocula aren’t so tough. I have guys like you for breakfast.
Cat.
Guys? How do you spell ‘in your window’? Like when someone is flirting inappropriately and is making sexual in your window?
[before quarantine]
me: “gross! this cereal has gone stale”
[5 weeks in quarantine]
me: “you found cereal?! ill get the raccoon milk!”
It absolutely scares me to death that I’M the voice of reason in this house.
“I need a car. What do you have?”
“Well, we have a Subaru Outback”
“But what kind of Subaru?”
“Outback”
“I don’t CARE where you keep it…”
[hosting a party]
Me: *gesturing* Please place your styrofoam dishes here for recycling when you’re finished.
Guest: But that’s the sink. Are you gonna wash them? *laughs*
Me: Do I come to your house and tell you how to recycle, Jan?
cave of wonders: only one may enter here
aladdin: abu has to wait outside?
cave of wonders: oh, pets don’t count
abu: *steals*
cave of wonders: OK PETS COUNT
Nothing will convince you to never have kids quite like having one.
My boss says that I have some exciting new assignments coming, whoa buddy, I will be the judge of that.
Stick it to the man
Why didn’t Dorothy tell the Cowardly Lion about liquid courage?
Putting tape over my webcam so the hackers can’t watch me take unreasonably large bites of food.
[4 strangers are smearing their bodily fluids on each other]
[one turns to camera] “There has to be a better way.”
VOICEOVER: “Hot tubs.”
You know you’ve leveled up after quarantine when your kid’s friends hear your fire alarm blaring through their headsets and say, “it’s ok, his mom’s just making dinner.”
My husband was just rude to me and I said that I’m going to punish him and he got all excited but like I don’t even know why he’s so excited to do my Calculus homework