When you have kids, you’ll see them fighting with each other a lot but you’ll also occasionally see them show genuine signs of love and friendship. Those moments are so beautiful and they happen just before the kids start fighting with each other again.
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People who make blanket statements are completely horrible & have no redeeming qualities.
A guy got beaten up in a local biker bar for trying to order Boone’s Farm strawberry wine.
-tweeted from my hospital bed
My 5 year old still has so much to learn. I asked him for a screwdriver and he brought me some sort of tool.
“I’m so lucky to have you.”— Me to my hand.
No, it’s not what you think.
I just watched Hook.
There is nothing sexier than when she locks eyes with me as she finishes…
..Frying the bacon
When your divorced parents are forced to sit together at your wedding.
Client: “I want to learn how to use the ATM”
Me: “Sure no prob!”
~~~~*Standing outside in the rain in front of the ATM*
Me: “ok first put your card in the machine”
Client: “Oh I don’t have one”
Me *blinking intensely*
“where do you see yourself in-“
i’m just tryna make it through the day bro
I just meowed at a cat and from the way it looked back at me I am 90% sure I said something really offensive
Im bored… I think I’ll go to the mall, find a great parking spot and sit in my car, with the reverse lights on…
My youngest has been banging on about “prank week” and has been royally pranking us all day.
Little does she know, her father is the prank master
Both of them panicking now, the bonus is that their sadness has brought a hush into the house.
Socks try to be monogamous but most end up either single or having multiple different partners.
Them: ugh could you be more annoying
Me: oh my yes
“I’m in the middle of an Adam Sandler movie” isn’t a good excuse to get out of anything.
I know this now.
Moose: Sorry, I need to quit this yoga class.
Yoga Instructor: NahMooseStay!
Jesus: Listen guys, why has someone written ‘nail appointment’ in my diary?
Judas: No idea, J. No idea.
Me: I love doing dishes while listening to my favorite boy band
Her: N*SYNC?
Me: no Sarah, I wash my dishes in the refrigerator
Accidentally played dad instead of dead when I encountered a bear and now it can ride a bike without training wheels. #circuseverydamnday
Climate: Hey
Me: You’ve changed
Every time a cop pulls me over I get nervous because I think they’re finally going to arrest me for those hotel towels I stole while vacationing.
Ref: Call it in the air..
*flips coin*
Me: A QUARTER.
Friends: “Be ready at 7:30”
Me at 7:30:
I’ve always wanted a monkey, so I bought one at auction today.
I’ve had him about an hour now.
Anyway….. Monkey for Sale.
COWORKER: how old is our boss?
ME: cut him in half & count the rings
CW: doesn’t that only work on trees?
ME: *over chainsaw noises* HE’S 38
The pillow is my all-time favorite soft, fluffy, comfortable murder weapon.
why did we just collectively decide that fantasy worlds need to be populated solely by british, irish, scottish, welsh, new zealand, and australian accents? i want ethereal faires who sound like they were born and raised on a farm in tennessee
[date]
Me: you wanna see what desserts they have?
Girl: how about we go home & I’ll let you-
Me [calls waiter]: what desserts do u have?
Sweet Revenge 😂😂😂
#archaeohistories