[Camping]
Her: You didn’t bring food?
Him: No
Her: Or toilet paper?
Him: Why would we need toilet paper if we don’t have food?
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Stop telling me your newborns weight and length. I don’t know what to do with that information.
haha how about we make a pact if we’re both single in 6 seconds we get married?? haha look how nervous u are. times runnin out tho
Me: I have to go I鈥檓 almost at the cry doctor
Wife: you mean the eye doctor right?
Me parking at my therapists office: yeah, of course
occult darling Dracula needs to get a grip. having his own dirt shipped in to sleep on, what a piece of shit. me, i’ll sleep on any dirt
Me (young, naive): I can’t wait to grow up and buy all the candy I want
Me (now): I’ll give you $100 to stop me from eating this entire cake
Computer: [down]
Help desk: you鈥檒l need to submit an online ticket
My son feels about broccoli the way I feel about having to make a phone call.
Damn boy are you a stormtrooper, because you鈥檙e never gonna hit this
So excited for the Apple Watch. For centuries, we鈥檝e checked the time by
looking at our phones. Having it on your wrist? Genius. #AppleLive
5-year-old: *glares at me* My shoe doesn鈥檛 fit.
Me: You grew. How is that my fault?
5: You fed me.
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Shhh!-Librarians arguing
I told my wife I wanted to be cremated. She made me an appointment for tomorrow afternoon.
I like to put my passengers as ease by pointing out where all the airbags are. Ending the safety message with “Just in case I crash again”
My teen鈥檚 stories have a beginning, middle, and I need $20.
Theres a new machine at the gym. I only used it for 1 hr because I started to feel sick but its awesome! Its got Skittles, M&M鈥檚鈥verything!
Hey Hotels! Stop keeping decaf coffee in the rooms. If I鈥檓 late and need to rush out the last thing I need is a cup of zero energy water that tastes like the Great Depression.
My grandparents just gave me a mint condition GameCube as a surprise because they know I love video games. They think it鈥檚 new 馃槀馃ズ
Me: I think my computer’s broken
Boss: just give it to the IT guy
Me: okay *walks outside and tosses my laptop into the sewer* good luck
Me: My sex life is like your car.
Friend: What? Sleek, performance-inspired, 6-speed, classic & acclaimed?
Me: Nope. Electric powered.
Number of times my dog has puked on:
the tile floor: 0
the carpet: 3,290
Sorry, I can’t be around you today.
The temptation to smack you in the face is just too great.
Imagine if America cut open the Statue of Liberty and found skeletons inside and it turned out the French had just failed a trojan mission.
[concert]
SINGER: How’s everyone feeling tonight???
ME: Whooo, kind of stressed, I’m in standoff with my HOA regarding lawn ornamentation!!!
Treadmill salesman: This one has 12 incline levels and can maintain speeds of up to 15 miles per hour.
Me: (dumps two loads of laundry on top) I鈥檒l take it.
Girlfriend: Why can鈥檛 you ever take anything seriously?
Me: *Miss Piggy voice* Moi?!
You鈥檇 think Kate Middleton would have people to hide for her.
WebMD: you have all the diseases
Dark WebMD: and here鈥檚 how to spread them
My opponent would have you believe I wear a tinfoil hat to block government mindreaders. I wear it to pretend I am from space. No questions