i like my women how i like my basements, creepy and wet
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girls don’t like boys who are punctual..
once this girl dumped me because i came early
I would like to give a big shout out to the one person in my life who doesn’t accuse me of being insane. So, thank you, to the little old lady who lives in my hair.
I like it when squirrels pop their dumb heads up in the middle of the street like “did I lock the tree?”
ME: *does something stupid*
I hope no one saw me do thatALSO ME: *texting all my friends* Listen to what I just did
[Youth Pastor voice] You know who else got a surprise visit from the authorities?
6 wakes me at 6:30am: wanna play a game?
Me: go hide! 1, 2, 3…
6: you’ll never find me!
Me: *goes back to sleep*
ME: where ya headed after Denver
PILOT: flying into Boulder
ME: omg *whispers* I need to warn the others
been making coffee at home instead of getting starbucks for two months which according to economists should’ve made me a billionaire by now so what is happening
Don’t get how mosquitoes can be so buzzy and annoying but also bite me 10,000 times without me noticing
Calling in sick cuz I got the zoomies and gave myself a concussion
Oh my god don’t get heckled by British soccer fans. I didn’t even do anything and 150 of them just chanted my bank login and password back to me to the tune of Wonderwall. Are you kidding me
me, turning into a werewolf: get out of here. it’s not safe
girl: [holding a tennis ball behind back] i think i’ll b fine lmao
Me: *just died* I can finally rest without my kids waking me up for dumb shit
Son using Ouija board: HEY MA
It’s gonna be interesting to see who the aliens enslave and who they let go free. I for one have always thought aliens to be wonderful and superior in every way.
Copied tweets with higher no. of RTs remind me of tht incident when Charlie Chaplin entered a Charlie Chaplin look-alike contest n came 3rd.
i hate when teachers put “?” on graded work, bro idk what’s going on either
ME: *being attacked by a werewolf*
ALL OF TWITTER: We don’t deserve dogs.
10 years ago today, I married my best friend…
My wife’s still really angry about it but me & Dave were drunk & thought it was funny
You can just tell people you’re writing a novel even if you’re not. There will not be follow up questions.
Society: Just try to fit in.
Me:
“Hi I’m looking for a birthday card for my mom’s sister”
*hands you an extremely small card*
“WHAT IS THIS A CARD FOR AUNTS”
Yes
“Perfect”
I missed a call from my mom, so I assume the helicopter that just flew over my house is part of the search crew she called.
[God creating teenagers]
What’s the most expensive way to be ignored?
Genie: 1st wish
ME: I wish for a pen
G: #2
M: another pen
G: wtf
M: I already lost the 1st pen
G: and ur 3rd
M: ur not going to believe this
[last meal on death row]
“Pepper?”
*nods*
“Say when”
*winks to camera*
My favorite yoga pose is downward facing in a bowl of mashed potatoes
Sydney actually has a lot of cool bars it’s just that to find them you have to walk into random shops and lean on shit like a Scooby Doo character until you find the secret passage.
My text: Have a good day at school!
My son’s text: Thanks. I forgot to have you sign something. Can you show me how your signature looks.
Him: You’re not like other girls
Me: [foghorn sound]
All I’m saying is if you really want someone to dance with you, you probably shouldn’t tell them to shut up.