“Hand me that pillowcase. Nope, that’s a coverlet. No, that’s a sham. That’s my nightgown. That’s a duvet cover.”
~Excerpt from my book, “Making the Bed with the Mrs.”
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Just installed an egg cannon on the hood of my car. Flipping people off and cursing at them just doesn’t satisfy me anymore.
Boss: If you fall asleep again today, I’ll fire you
Me: ok
Boss: Now go and do the sheep inventory
Me: oh no
a bunch of people at a school dance waiting to get a drink
that’s it. that’s the punch line
Board Member: Sir are you sure you wanna name your new burger restaurant after the time you caught your ex-wife cheating on you?
Five Guys CEO: you heard me
be careful when u talk baby talk to a baby becuase if u dont understand what ur saying u may acidentaly be declaring war in baby langauge
The purpose of hangers is to put a zig zag wrinkle in your pants at the knees.
Bay: come over
Me: no, I’m watching TMNT
Bay: I made one too
Me: but it’s awful
Bay: come watch it
Me: who gave you my number, Michael
What a wicked game you play
To make me feel this way
What a wicked thing to do
Detective Pikachu
Just think, there is coming an entire generation of idiots who will wonder: “Why did they have a hashtag button on landline phones?”
One of my children is crying because we don’t have a third floor in our house.
We also don’t have a second floor.
coworker: hey grant
me: [stands up]
cw: u know what I hate about this job
me: [walks out of office]
cw: [follows me] u know what I hate
me: [takes elevator to top floor]
cw: u know what I hate
me: [climbs ladder to rooftop]
cw: u know what I hate
me: [jumps]
[Arby’s]
Me: This horsey sauce barely tastes like horse at all
Mgr: *adding horse shavings* Tell me when
Twitter updated their Terms of Service. Now it just says “Abandon Hope All Ye Who Enter Here.”
I wore a training bra for years and these things still don’t listen to a word I say
Came home and my cat was on the porch cuddling with a baby skunk. When the skunk saw me he took off like I had caught him in bed with my girlfriend.
I called it a “housewarming party”. The District Attorney called it “aggravated arson”. Semantics.
My house is clean so please don’t eat or drink or come by or let my child come home.
My favorite part of Thanksgiving is the pumpkin pie, I bought one of those ginormous ones from Costco and offered everyone else peach pie.
Wearing Juicy couture sweatpants takes on entirely different meaning when you have IBS.
I forgot the word for decaf so called it a despresso
Friday is Cinco de Mayo. White people haven’t been this excited about tacos since Tuesday
THE QUEEN IS BEING REBOOTED SOMEONE STOP THEM.
HUMANS EVERYWHERE: If only it could feel like a weekend every day
COVID-19: Hold my beer
Fish look like they’re constantly being surprised by something.
Yes I will purchase the anti-ageing cream that costs 100’s of dollars because the results on those 20 year old models is just miraculous.
#ImNotWorriedCuz I’m into this
[car accident]
Other driver: YOU TURNED INTO ME!
Me: *looking at hands* like Freaky Friday?
I wish choosing a career was as easy as it is in books. Just some big dingus giant kicking down my door like “YER A PASTRY CHEF, HARRY!”
I asked a friend if he’d eat a piece of dog crap for $1K and he asked “From whose dog?” I’m having a hard time accepting that as a factor.