*Cocks Gun* ” Any last requests?”
“Yes, do not shoot me with that gun.”
“Oh you!! Ya got me go ahead get outta here”!
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it’s cool when my one dog shits the other one has to go and inspect it like “just as i suspected guys. it’s shit.”
[returning from the bakery]
WIFE: [unpacking bag] I thought I asked you for sourdough.
ME: Things went a-rye.
I’m trying to convince this guy that ‘jesus is the reason for the season’ but loansharks have a different perspective
My husband got me a really sweet card for our anniversary. I read the whole way through, and the very last part says “happy birthday” 😂
He was so close.
Just walked up to a white van in the parking lot and it literally sped away.
*Blindfolds myself
*Rage eats candy
“They say there’s no such thing as a free lunch. That ends today!” — me as I rally lunches everywhere to overthrow their oppressors
When the vet gives my cat a pill vs when I give my cat a pill.
the weirdest thing that happened to me this month was when i got sent a counterfeit pizza hut coupon
i don’t know who needs to hear this but you can totally just buy an ink stamp that says CLASSIFIED and stamp it on whatever you want
If you threaten to perform a lobotomy on a co-worker, you’ll get a snarky email from HR and they’ll confiscate your Stanley knife.
me: im fine, everything’s fine
my search history: i beg to differ
North West: Daddy what were you famous for?
Kanye: Rapping, Son. North West: mommy what
were you famous for? ((awkward silence))
Met this chinese guy with the surname Shen. His name’s Eric. As in Eric Shen. Have him for more than 4hours, call a doctor!
I wanted to be Batman when I was a kid. So I kept leading my parents into dark alleys in the bad part of town.
Wife: Do the dishes
Me: Can’t. Holding the baby
Wife: Take out the trash
Me: Can’t. Baby
Wife: Change the baby
Me: Can’t. Doing dishes.
CHILD: I thought you liked Froot Loops.
TOUCAN SAM: *eating an egg salad sandwich he brought from home* Look, kid, it’s just a job.
[airport check-in]
Me: I’d like to check this in
Clerk: you’ll have to take that on with u
Me [sighing & picking baby up off counter]: fine
DOCTOR: a new study says the meds ur on cause hallucinations
ME: oh
LARGE MENACING CACTUS THAT FOLLOWS ME EVERYWHERE: was it peer reviewed?
*house explodes into flames*
Kids: mom, what’s for dinner?
It’s saturday night you know what *that* means? right, cleaning toilets
[trying to sneak a water bottle through security]
TSA agent: Good evening sir
Me: Nothing
“I’m almost at the end of my childhood and pretty soon I’ll be a teenager”, my 6yo, trying to ruin my day, apparently
If you are single, just be patient. Your soulmate is almost done with their divorce papers 😉
My husband told me today’s Wordle word as soon as I woke up, so he’s up for grabs if anyone’s interested.
If the One Ring had been a kitten then Sauron would have spent the whole book trying to find his kitten, sending whole armies out to look for it, while the fellowships heroic quest involved throwing a kitten in a volcano. Makes you think
Insomnia is just your brain’s way of telling you it’s secretly a squirrel with ADHD.
$6 for two cookies at the farmer’s market.
They better have been made using organic free range children’s tears.
These baby cardinals are thugs. They muscle all the other birds away from the feeder. I saw one put out a cigarette in a blue jay’s eye.
He caught me making googly eyes at my phone. I could’ve avoided a fight by showing him it was just puppy gifs but I was bored.
A hug and slap are both powerful but not everyone deserves a hug.