It’s wild that your car has balloons but you only get to play with them if something bad happens
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My 6 year old told me to look in his room because someone stole his toys. When I looked, his room was the tidiest it has ever been with all toys put away. He then laughed and said “April fools! I pranked you!”
overheard in the elevator
dude 1: “I have a song stuck in my head, it’s killing me”
dude 2: “aw man yeah, I’ve got like 4”
dude 1: “at least you’ve got a playlist”
Save money by just buying bigger pants instead of paying a one year gym membership
I’ll be the one at the office Christmas party, waiting patiently near the exit, so I can be the second person to leave.
me: ever get halfway thru a sentence and forget where you are
cellmate: i wish
In case you’re considering having kids, I’ve been awake since sunrise trying to fulfill breakfast requests of: 1. Pancakes 2. Pizza 3. Green
My neighbours were listening to some pretty cool music until the arseholes asked me to turn it down.
My Phone autocorrected “wish you were here” to “wish you were beer” and I sent it anyways
cicadas cotton eyed joe
🤝
where did they come from?
where did they go????
In hell, your mouth is always freshly brushed & minty, and all they have to drink is orange juice.
After he passed, we wanted to honor Uncle Jim’s lifelong passion for recycling. Trust me, this is far less disturbing than the coat hooks at Bill’s house, or that thing in Aunt Janet’s nightstand.
VOTERS: we want to give a boat a ridiculous name
UK: no
VOTERS: we want to break up the EU and trash the world economy
UK: fine
god: i need you to get me some teeth
fairy: what
god: from children
fairy: WHAT
god: ok fine pay them
The “you can’t sit with us” kids don’t like it when you call them the “you can’t sit with us” kids.
I had an uncle who died on a trampoline. What he was doing with a trampoline in the middle of the Vietnam War, I’ll never know.
I have a picture of my uncle standing on a tank he and two buddies destroyed in WWII. I cut my fingernails too short and I might stay home.
When my husband says ‘let me ask my wife,’ he’s just using me as an excuse to get out of whatever you’re asking him to do.
MY PARENTS ARE OUT OF TOWN SO I CAN FINALLY WINK AT THE CAT AS MUCH AS I WANT
Me: *finally asleep*
Raccoons: Let’s have a rave on the deck and scare the shit out of her at 4am!
“Operator, run this licence plate please
Echo Alpha Tango
Alpha
Delta India Charlie Kilo”– Me, if I was a cop on the day I got fired.
Bull: [angrily snorts]
Bulldog: [angrily barks]
French Bulldog: [angrily chain smokes while reading Sartre]
Aging gracefully is like getting steamrolled gracefully, you should really be screaming
[me in a zombie apocalypse] okay I think this is a zombie but I don’t want to be rude and presume anything, maybe this lady is just having a rough day, aren’t we all, haha, I’ll just try to go about my business, okay no she’s definitely biting me
Emergency Vet: your cat seems fine
Me: she thinks I don’t feed her enough
Me: [starts singing quietly to myself while doing dishes]
My 5-year-old, who regularly screams for no reason: Stop that
Just saw a large group of 20 yr olds saying a blessing before eating.
Then I realized they were all just looking at their phones.
My neighbours dog has more friends than I do and he bites.
IT guy: Your keyboard won’t work because it’s full of crumbs.
Me: *flashes back to eating Nature Valley granola bar at desk* Weird.
Me: I had to take your hamster back to the shop
Son: Why
[nervous because I accidentally ran him over with a lawnmower]
Me: He’s a racist
[at the club]
Me: I got the moves
Her: it’s “runs”