It’s not my job to tell people where they’re failing in life.
It’s just a hobby.
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I haven’t been drinking.
I know what day it is.
I didn’t lose my pants.
This might be my car.
I know how to drive.-Lies I’ve told to cops.
“Read ’em and weep” I say as I lay down my hand: a collection of my grandparent’s handwritten love letters from WWII.
If you add enough jalapeños no one will ever know you’re a bad cook.
OH MY GOD I FORGOT TO UNPLUG THE TOASTER
[flash to dog in sunglasses waiting for his fifth batch of waffles to pop up]
kid dressed as dog: “trick or treat”
me:
wife: “give him some chocolate then”
me: “i don’t want to kill him linda”
This is why science literacy is so important, kids.
Bear attack by generation:
Boomer – kill bear level forest into a mall parking lot
Gen x – climb tree build fort
Gen y – wait for helicopter Gen. x parent to fix it
Gen z – die doing bear makeover for insta
It’s 11:48 PM. You can’t sleep. Underneath your bed, there’s a creepy rustle, as the clown tries to quietly unwrap and eat a granola bar.
One time I swallowed an entire box of Alphabits whole and the only thing I pooped out was the lyrics to a Nicki Minaj song
Me: Wow, I love your new yoga pants!
Wife: Thanks. Can I have them back?
Movie idea: Channing Tatum and Chris Hemsworth are called on by the US government to take their shirts off and punch people who read books.
him: i like athletic girls
me [dips oreo in milk]: check out this sweet dunk
him: not like that
Dye packets but for the person who takes the last donut.
I didn’t even know my grandma had a gun until I coughed at her house.
*falls dramatically on therapist’s sofa* the barista touched the mouth hole
[from the sperm donation room]
Me: *screaming with the door cracked open* I NEED MORE CUPS
[pet store]
Me: your parrot called me a cracker.
Manager: maybe he was asking..
[from the back] TALK YOUR SHIT WHITE BOY *parrot whistle*
If I had to list one thing I’m truly outstanding at I think it would be ripping open resealable bags so they are no longer sealable.
The real monsters are the people who hand you money with the bills not all facing in the same direction.
They say to avoid things that excite you when it’s time to sleep, but what’s more exciting than getting to sleep?
*trying to ask a girl on a date*
Me: hi, um [nervously wets lips] would you wanna go out sometime?
Her: was- was that a mop?
this could fix me
[in the ambulance]
Paramedic: what’s your blood type?
Me: whatever. I’m not fussy
Cartman: Respect my
a a
DATING TIP: pull out her chair at dinner & whisper “that’s not the only thing I’ll be pulling out” then pull out her napkin like a gentleman
Packed Wakanda Forever audience cheering “ELAINE! ELAINE! ELAINE!” every time Julia Louis-Dreyfus shows up
Don’t be rude, if the person in front of you in the Starbucks line isn’t concentrating, sweep the leg, step over them and keep the line moving
Husband enters vasectomy room
Nurse: You sure about this?
*I enter, wearing xmas leggings & milk stained top*
N: The dr. will be right in