Just discovered that my 5yo thinks the lyrics are “apple button jeans, boots with the brrr” and then he does a little shiver
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officer: witnesses say the baby was tossed out of the restaurant like a football
detective: for crying out loud!
officer: most likely yes
Interviewer: “Are you proficient with Microsoft Office?”
Interviewee: “Word.”
People with fireplaces look at you funny when you say “oh I see you have a s’mores maker”.
ME: I will have 4 blueberry muffins for dinner please
DUNKIN DONUTS CASHIER: Please do not tell us that you’re having them for dinner
Sugar in the bloodstream, I’m the world’s problem now.
My husband doesn’t worry about me cheating because he knows I hate everyone.
There is literally no limit to how many Kevins you can be friends with.
I think the saying “every man for himself” was made up by women tired of making sandwiches
[Theater]
GF: I got M&M’s.
Me: I can’t eat those here.
GF: Why?
M: *exasperated sigh* Because it’s too dark to separate them by color.
EVERYONE! Single file into the ocean, please.
No one will even notice your holiday weight gain if you start carrying pie everywhere you go.
*in the car*
7yo: I can count to 100,000
5yo: oh yeah, then do it
me: no
dude killed a sea lion with his bike
[5 min into first date]
Her: I have a pug named Piglet-
Me: [motioning waiter for check] I’d like to go meet him rn
My daughter woke me up at 5 am to urgently tell me “any balloon spongebob blows up is technically a water balloon” & I have not been able to fall back asleep
HIM: the first rule of fight club is never talk about fight club
ME: but we’re talking about it now
HIM: I mean like to your friends
ME: were not friends?
HIM: I mean kinda but-
ME: *crying* this hurts worse than getting punched
I have so many questions.
I’m starting to think we won’t be getting Mambo number 6. If it was coming, it would have happened by now
I was under the false impression that my kids would stop elbowing me in the bladder after they were born
Hi, my name is Pan. It’s short for Pam.
Happy third birthday to the tartar sauce in my fridge
what is cheese if not milk persevering
Ted Mosby, in the year 2030, told the story of how he met his children’s mother and HE NEVER MENTIONED THE CORONAVIRUS ONCE
How To Be A Parent
Step 1: have a child
Step 2: your guess is as good as mine
HIM: What do you think happens to us when we die?
ME: Funerals, you idiot.
The longer you’re a parent the harder it is to act excited when people tell you they’re pregnant.
It wasn’t no corona till y’all started balancing brooms in the house, y’all let the devil in
Sometimes I look at my dog and get a little jealous, wondering why nobody ever tells me I’m a good girl when I take a sh*t outside
My dog stayed up late playing with the neighbor dog last night and then he slept till 11am and he won’t tell me a thing about her, is this what it’s like to parent a teenager?