I tried to let the wine breathe but it needed mouth to mouth.
So who’s the hero now?
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CW: You’re not wearing a costume.
M: Yes I am.
CW: You’re dressed as yourself?
M: No. I’m a serial killer. We look just like everyone else.
My mother talks into the phone like a combat soldier calling in air support.
Well, well, well. Looks like I may have a lawsuit on my hands: a gynecologist refused to treat me, and I’m pretty sure it’s because I’m gay.
My cat constantly looks at me like I asked her to give me a ride to the airport.
Just had a drink at an airport Bubba Gump Shrimp Co and I’m appalled they don’t have a cocktail named Rum Forrest Rum.
[grocery store]
Meat department: 7 people will all try to help you at the same time, they are very excited about this
Rest of the store: reportedly one person works here but he has not been heard from since 1989. His name is Gary. If you see him, tell him his family misses him
If you don’t answer your kid’s tenth “MOM!”, I will…and what I say will keep them awake for 3 days. Better ask “what?”
To change the traffic light from red to green, pick up your phone and try to read a text on your cellphone.
Daughter: Dad, you need a smart phone.
Me: Will it make my dinner?
D: No but-
M: Good talk.
my idiot coworker was drinking a Smart Water and said “this doesn’t seem different than any other water, what a scam” so I can’t decide if he’s right or if the product actually works
I went for a run today. What the hell is wrong with you people why would you do this to yourself you need help.
It doesn’t matter how hard I try, I just don’t seem to be going anywhere in life
Hamster therapist: Sounds like you’re in a vicious circle
I can’t find my ceremonial porcupine.
[Jesus is resurrected after 3 days]
Mary Magdalene: I KNOW YOU SAW MY TEXTS
Dogdamnit, autocarrot.
When you forgot you made garlic sauce with the sour cream, and then proceed to bake banana bread.
Anyone want some garlic banana bread?
Times when the world seems different somehow:
– being in your elementary school as an adult
– being in a pool when it rains
– train stations at night
– when the ghost of the girl who died in your building tells you to get out or die
– walking through fresh snow by yourself
It must be awkward being a cyclops called Iain.
“Do you believe in evolution?”
“No”
“Global warming?”
“No”
“Racial Equality?”
“No”
“Then what makes The West superior?
“Science! Logic!”
I’m only attractive if you’re drunk.
*buys everyone a drink*
When your baby cries, don’t feed it. That’s just what it expects you to do. You have to outsmart it.
My wife banned iPads from my kids so my sweet angels stood in the hallway where they thought I couldn’t hear and whispered “Let’s ask dad because he always let us and then we can blame him when mommy asks”.
i love when dog owners are like “our dog is very food-motivated!” like yeah. it’s a dog
Tiger Woods? Do u mean the jungle?
My swear jar is now worth more than my stock portfolio.
I couldn’t be a hero in The Matrix cause agent Smith would be like “humans are a virus” and I’d be like that’s a fair point
Told the kids me and husband were having adult time and under no circumstances were they to disturb us for the next 5-6 minutes
Me: I’m shy
Tequila: Not anymore
Ordering surgeries off the secret menu at the doctor’s office.
Hey girl, are you the barbed wire fence surrounding Meryl Streep’s house? Cause I just can’t seem to get over you