I was helping my son with his homework and I told him that the language attorneys use with all that legal jargon was called ‘Courtugese’ and now I have another meeting with his teacher.
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I told my therapist that I thought I had imposter syndrome, but he said only talented people get that. So that’s a relief.
i am disgusted by the physical act of handshaking. it is morally unacceptable that u cant just extend your arm and fist the wind
Spent 10 mins trying to get into my car today…finally the door opened when the person who actually owned the car unlocked it.
Hostess: It’s a 15 minute wait. May I have your name?
Me: Baron Von Gerhardt, heir to the throne of Osterburken.
Hostess:
Me: Write it down.
First date the man should pick up the bill. In the absence of a bill look for William instead.
A scrub is a guy who thinks he’s fly.
[I scramble to take off my full-body fly costume]
just a heads up. i will be running around the house. as fast as possible. for the next 15 seconds. i will have no regard for furniture. or any individuals in my way. when i am done. do not ask me why i have done this. because i do not know
Get your hero name by doing something brave and seeing what the newspapers call you.
I’m Local Man.
*i maintain solid eye contact with my boss, who is in the process of firing me for eating on the job, as i slowly pull out a chalupa from my coat pocket & begin eating it*
You can put a satire warning on whatever you want. People who think Onion stories are real do not know what that word means.
draw me like one of your sea-borne property stompers
Me: *makes 120 gazillion meals*
Kids: yuk
Husband: *makes pancakes*
Kids: daddy you’re a much better cook than mummy
If your human doesn’t feed you immediately, run in front of their feet and trip them up.
~Cats, apparently.
[An alternate reality where Smurfs live among us and I see Smurfette at the bar and she’s looking real good]
Me: Hey I think you’re really bluetiful
Spent 5 minutes enjoying the smoothest shave of my life before realizing I forgot to take the plastic cover off the razor.
The Bible is so unrealistic, Noah’s wife would have never allowed two spiders on that boat.
My doctor told me my testosterone level was unusually high. At least that’s what I think he said, I could hardly hear him over the chainsaw.
If u want to sound smart just make up coding languages. Like “yeah I know DeltaCube, 17v and Amorph,” literally nobody will know theyre fake
If you think I can be won over by a large Toblerone, then you, my friend, are correct.
I’m so broke that if my girlfriend leaves me for another guy I swear that I’m going with them.
A boomerang is just a frisbee for loners.
Today from 9 to 10 AM we are having an all-hands family seminar on how to replace an empty toilet paper roll.
6yo: Newton discovered gravy
Me: gravity, he discovered gravity.
6yo: what’s that?
Me: it’s what stops you floating off into space
6yo: *sadly* he should have stuck with the gravy
My kids made a mess this morning pretending to be leprechauns. They don’t know it yet, but after school they get to pretend to be janitors.
*gently places finger on caroler’s lips*
you had me at “O come”
FOR THE LAST TIME, MY EYES ARE UP HERE
I yelled at my gynecologist
Builder: The developer just called and told us not to install the bidets.
Contractor: What are we supposed to do with all these bidets?
Builder: We’ll just take it bidet by bidet.
Twerking is the crocs of dancing.
My son is on guitar, my daughters are on drums and harmonica, and I’m on my second ibuprofen.