My kid just used the phrase “a perfect circle of parmesean cheese” when talking to his friends and I don’t care if he’s cooking or summoning a cheese demon, whatever he’s doing I must be a part of it.
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My kid’s piano teacher told me he liked my Halloween shirt and I told him thanks but this is just how I dress.
I once had a tweet go bacterial.
Life advice: If someone ever tells you “I’ll be there in thirty minutes”, you should ALWAYS respond with “You’ve got twenty” and hang up.
David Draiman singing “Oh-wa-ah-ah-ah” in the intro of “Down with the Sickness”, but it’s just the sounds I make while trying to put on socks.
[on 1st date]
Him: So why is someone as pretty as you single?
Me: Single? Who’s single? [gets right up in his face] We marry at dawn.
Pee after storming area 51 or else youll get a ufo
Sticker placement is key.
No intelligent people were harmed in the reading of this tweet
[explaining the plot of my favorite book to my date]
me: so you know how most caterpillars are only a little hungry?
doctors don’t really need to hit you with that rubber hammer it’s just how they release a lil tension through the day
A vanilla latte w soy milk is technically a 3 bean soup but none of yall are ready to talk about that huh??
‘Twas the day before Lent, and when it was done, not a creature was sober, not even a nun.
Priest: I now pronounce you man and wife
Me: why? “you” has literally none of those sounds
My bride: I changed my mind I want a divorce
*dies*
*gets to heaven*
*sees furries everywhere*
Me: What the…
Jeebus: Hell hath no furry, man
*laughs, puts on giraffe costume*
good morning to everyone but especially my dog who got herself stuck in a folding chair and instead of barking for help just waddled around with it on her back like some kind of hermit crab
DARTH VADER: I am your father
LUKE: Buy me some jeans then
DV: *reluctantly hands over money* …You better actually buy jeans with this
*Lysol kills 99.9% of germs on my counter*
LYSOL: “Hey .1% germs…
( -_-)>⌐■-■
(⌐■_■)
Tell your friends”
[olive garden]
waiter: when you’re here you’re family
me: cool can I borrow some money
waiter: please leave
Me: “This new flavour of Pringles is horrible.”
Wife: “You’re eating a tube of tennis balls.”
me: i’m not afraid of death
[2 mins later : stubs toe]
also me: OMG I’M DYING
*Seductively turns all your toilet tissue rolls the wrong way…
Cop: Whatever you say will be held against you.
Me: TEDDYBEARS
Cop: Aww.
Women, when you say: “We should move into a better house.”
A man hears: “My plan is to force you to work till the day you die.”
I bet Santa has 3 lists now:
Naughty, nice, and people who’ve left him healthy snacks instead of cookies.
Me: *slowly retracts hand from cereal box after failing to grasp the free toy*
Wife: you really need to stop pretending to be a claw machine
Me: *swallows yet another quarter* why
My biggest regret to date is probably never telling Kary C, Kerri B, Cari R and Kerry L from 4th grade that their names were spelled wrong..
My daughter is begging to get her ears pierced and promised she’d “still” listen to me even with holes in her ears.
Originally it was thought that it was our ability to love that made us human. However, it is now believed that it is our ability to pick out photos with traffic lights in them.