Neil DeGrasse Tyson watching an Indian action movie: *becomes so filled with rage he explodes*
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I’ll get a 5-mile queue at my coffin but it will be all collection agencies making sure I’m really dead.
wife: we’re hanging out with hannah and her husband tonight
me: ugh why? that dude sucks, all he talks about is horses
wife: i’m sure he’ll have something else to talk about this time
[later]
hannah’s husband: hey
me: that’s it i’m out
Took my 6 y/o daughter to a college football game and my dream of turning her into a fan quickly faded when she asked to go home in the first quarter because “we just watched this game on TV last week.”
[writing my first autopsy report]
There was a slight mix-up initially but it turns out the guy died from an accidental autopsy
Winnie the Pooh is an addict who doesn’t wear pants and lives in the woods. If he were a person, he’d be the first suspect in every crime.
On a girl’s vacation while drunk, we all bought hotdogs and then tried to give someone directions. I gestured so emphatically that I slung the wiener right out of my bun and into the street, and then ate it anyway because a $5 dog is a $5 dog. Follow me for more financial advice
surgeon: this man has a broken leg
horse surgeon intern: oh no
surgeon: which we can easily fix
horse surgeon intern: wait which we can what?
Today the neighbors are blasting country music from the boom box on the back deck. Tomorrow, they’ll be looking for the boom box that used to be on their back deck.
This is a environmentally responsible account. I reuse all the letters from deleted tweets.
Excuse me while I go powder the inside of my nose.
i can’t believe adam and eve had to leave the garden of eden over an apple. if it were a better fruit like a mango or a peach I would understand but an apple?
*turns on broadcast TV*
Wow, I’m actually watching TV as it airs. Who even does that anymore?
*sees Activia ad*
*sees Metamucil ad*
*sees Cialis ad*
I think I have the answer.
animals really be single moms of 6-8 just holding it down daily like girl what
duolingo: he is a boy
me: él es un niño
duolingo: she is a girl
me: ella es una niña
duolingo: can i make it anymore obvious
me: puedo—wait
God: your name is Owl.
Owl: who?
God: you. your name is Owl.
Owl: I know I’m just messin with ya.
God: ok then state your name.
Owl: your name. lol.
God: are you serious?
Owl: no i’m Owl : )
God:
Owl:
God: [under breath] you’ve made a powerful enemy today.
Owl: who?
Does WebMD ever just say “you’re fine, there’s nothing wrong with you, go play outside you drama queen?”
i don’t want to know what five dentists think about a certain toothpaste, i want to know what they think about EVERYTHING. four out of five dentists recommend kierkegaard
How did that guy know he went through the desert on a horse with no name? Did he try asking the horse? Was he aware that it was probably his job to assign a name if there was not already one in place? A lot of things don’t add up here.
ME: *posing nude for a painter*
GUY PAINTING MY HOUSE: please sir…I have a family.
8-year-old oversleeping in 1910: oh beans da boss at the poison factory is sure gonna be steamed at me
Running with my dog, holding his poop in a small, lavender scented, biodegradable bag like the top-of-the-food-chain creature that I am.
I have a dream that my son will one day live in a nation where he will not be judged by the size of his boat but by the motion of his ocean.
I think I speak for everyone when I say how dare you, Oreo serving size, how dare you.
Dear parents,
Here is your reminder to delete the 1000 photos your 3-year-old took while playing with your phone.
We all have our weaknesses. Yours are just more obvious.
optimus prime: [doing standup] i just flew in from new york and boy are my arms tires
A dating app for angry people- Grumble
If my wife takes any longer to get ready to go out, she’ll need to go and shave her legs again!!
no, archaeologists cannot determine a person’s sex purely from their skeleton. but they CAN determine if you regularly shot an english longbow, which is much more important.