Autocorrect changed “panic attack” to “pancake attack” and now I’m hysterical AND hungry.
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I did a bad I need to share
I broke a thing they can’t repair
I tried denial I tried despair
But settled on a vacant stare
[on Mars]
ASTRONAUT: An alien!
MISSION CONTROL: Ok, so
A: I choke slammed it
MC: What?
A: Another one!
MC: DO NOT CH
A: [choke slam noises]
[First Date]
Me: I’ll just have a salad.
[Second Date]
Me: *on table, hunched over like four plates of nachos, hissing* My precioussss.
– Dracula darling, you have something stuck in your teeth.
– Vhere, here?
– No…
– Here?
– No, just go look in-
– GO LOOK IN WHAT, SARAH?
I thought white noise was the sound of people complaining at Starbucks.
Hang on guys. My boyfriend told me not to be anxious, so I expect to feel better any moment.
[joins a conga line]
me: I can leave any time I like
[someone joins behind]
me: oh no
“Every child’s a gift.”
“Your ‘gift’ is eating his own boogers right now.”
“…”
“I hope you saved the receipt.”
getting the worlds most powerful noise cancelling headphones so i can go to concerts and listen to the studio version of whichever song theyre playing currently
Optimism? Sure, it’s worth a try. I don’t see how acting like an eye doctor is gonna help, but whatever.
If you tell Dad jokes and you’re not actually a Dad, you are a faux pa.
The bouncer used to check the lining of my hat for weapons when I walked into a bar and now they have entire axe throwing ranges that serve alcohol
*Gets haircut*
“Omg I love it”*Ten minutes later*
“Dear God what have I done?”
I like to establish dominance by asking the cop, “know why I pulled you over?” first.
Long story short, I need bail money.
Update my mom has decided that my peanut butter intake is too high so she has hidden all the peanut butter. Little does she know I went to the store and bought more and while I was hiding it I found the other hidden container. Double peanut butter. Game on Amy.
Me at 5 pm: I wonder how many calories are in this shot of whiskey
Me at 9 pm: HoW mAnY cAlOrIeS iN a 5TH oF wHiSkEy *hiccup*
Honey, your skirt is so short that your STD is showing.
Me: I can’t find my straight jacket.
Him: Please stop calling your sports bra that.
[Movie: Romance]
Him: [*At Airline Ticketing Counter] I need to get on the next flight to NY to tell my soulmate I love her!
Airline Clerk: That’ll be $4,433.56…
Him: K… forget it…
Great seizure this morning! We found 10 kg of c*****e in a statue. The 9kg of c*****e was weighed and bagged and, I can tell you, 7kg of c*****e took a fair few bags. We’ll hand the 4kg to the police after analysing the 2kg first. Well done Customs on finding the 300 grams!
me watching old game shows: why are they giving away luggage sets. what a dumb and bad prize
me in 2022, today: why are suitcases $900
What do you call a friend who turns a wine glass into a candle holder?
An acquaintance
people don’t get a second dog. they get their dog a dog
Travel experts recommend carrying a second dummy wallet when visiting high crime areas, but I carry a third wallet as well. If a mugger approaches I start an elaborate game of 3-card Monte. “Where’s the money?” I ask. “Wrong!” There is none, I’m broke from buying a third wallet.
(Fancy restaurant)
Me: One food please.
My husband’s favorite place to stand is right in front of whatever cabinet I need.
alien: TAKE ME TO YOUR LEADER
me: [watching state of the union]
alien: oh crap
This has to be a terrible time for roadstop serial killers
What’s it like to work in customer service/retail?
Imagine there’s a race of people called customers.
Now imagine you’re a huge racist.
Don’t date a Canadian woman unless you’re willing to plow her…..
Driveway when it snows