Queen Elizabeth dresses like she’s about to go to prom with Steve Harvey
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It’s not God I dislike, He’s cool. it’s certain members of his fanclub that rub me the wrong way.
I’m really scared society will collapse soon and there won’t be any more Doritos.
[ouija board]
me: are there any spirits with us? Speak now
ouija board: H E L L O F R O M T H E O T H E R S I D E
me: ….please stop
Lisa: morning David
Me: who said that?
Lisa [sighs]: sorry I didn’t text you back last night
Me: is that a ghost? Because Lisa is dead to me
My 4yo is constantly asking us if he can push buttons and it’s like…you already do buddy…you already do.
I’m about to get my 5yo her own phone just so she’ll stop screwing up my YouTube algorithm
I demand Lisa from high school face me in a public debate about why she made out with Craig when it was MY BIRTHDAY PARTY
#titanic
I don’t know who needs to hear this, but, don’t drink aquarium water to impress a girl……..
Coffee: hi
Me: hey
*slow 80’s saxophone starts playing*
Bagged lunch circa 1984
-sack of flour
-room temperature buttermilk
– note from mom saying “figure it out”
I feel for my kids because for the rest of their lives, when they complain about anything, I’m gonna respond with: you think that’s bad, you should try raising children during a pandemic
My dog was outside barking like a maniac, so I opened the back door and screamed, “Jesus Christ! Get in the God damn house!”
Two minutes later, my husband came home and told me that our neighbors are having an Easter egg hunt…outside.
I guess I have to move now.
‘….annnnnnd now you have TWO hours before you have to get up.’
~The monster under my bed
(holding a pickle like a cigarette) do you mind if i?
Everyone should release their taxes because I cannot read them understand them anyhow
[My Funeral]
“He died doing what he loved… saying ‘Cars have to stop for pedestrians,’ as he stepped bravely into the crosswalk.”
Considered selling feet and/or leg pics but then I realized I’d have to actually shave and ain’t nobody got time for that
soft pretzels come one of 2 ways:
– no salt
– enough salt to line a highway before a snowstorm
please sir. i beg of you. don’t take away my job. i’ve got a tuscan kitchen & 2 full baths at home. sir. sir please. my kitchen. it’s tuscan
There is nothing sexier than when she locks eyes with me as she finishes…
..Frying the bacon
How dare you incinerate that I don’t know big words.
*Beethoven & orchestra take stage*
HECKLER: (chanting) Ode to Joy! Ode to Joy!
Beethoven: –we’re gonna play some new stuff
HECKLER: boooo
Buying a scrub brush on a stick for your back because you need something to remind you that you are single, even in the shower.
My👏spacebar👏is👏broken👏so👏I’m👏using👏the👏clapping👏emoji👏instead👏I’m👏not👏trying👏to👏make👏a👏point
I grew up in a very sheltered household. Our house had 17 roofs. We had alcoves upon alcoves. I wore a tarp wherever I went.
Whoever came up with the phrase “actions speak louder than words” sure as shit never heard my 5 year old’s words
JUDAS: any weekend plans?
JESUS: either exploring a cave or sleeping in, haven’t decided
JUDAS: maybe you’ll do both
JESUS: what?
JUDAS: what?
I can’t get enough of these Labor Day Sales, you guys! I bought 25 mattresses!
“Wanna hear a joke?”
“Alright then.”
“What’s the difference between a toilet and a fridge?”
“I don’t know,”
“You’re disgusting.”